We did it!

Alex, Erica, and I hiked Mt. Timpanogos yesterday. It's a total of 14.06 miles on the Timpooneke trail, and 4389 feet of elevation change. We left the trailhead at 6:30 am, and got to the top at 11 am. I was pretty scared on the top part, as the drop-offs by the trail were very steep. The vertigo was quite something - I had never really experienced anything like that before. Alex & Erica were quite encouraging though, and up we went. Fortunately, the altitude didn't really bother me much (though Alex and Erica noticed it more, being from sea level). The views from the saddle and the summit were so beautiful - I was amazed (actually, the scenery on the whole hike was fabulous - it was just a gorgeous hike). We ate lunch on top of the mountain, and descended starting at about 11:40 am. We got back to the car at 3:30 pm, very dirty and tired, but feeling victorious. My muscles aren't too sore today, except for my calves, which are hurting. (However, it didn't keep me from going on my walk this morning, which felt good - I did an 11:17 mile for 3.12 miles!). I'm happy that the training I did enabled me to actually do the hike pretty well.
MORE PICTURES HERE

Visitors!

My brother and his fiancee, Erica, are coming TONIGHT! I am so excited to see him and to meet her! Yay!

We are planning to hike Timp on Monday. That is going to be a challenge, but I've been working out hard and think I'm ready. I hope.

Working for the elusive sub-11:00 mile

Wed 8/16 biked to circuit training workout and back

Th 8/17 pushed the kids in the stroller to Liberty Park, fast. Got 30 min high intensity exercise. It was HOT though. Later that night, biked Emigration Canyon (7.6 miles, 1333 ft elevation change) w/Dorothy. It took 55 min to get to the top of Little Mountain. It was an awesome ride!

F 8/18 biked to circuit training workout and back

Sat 8/19 walked to 923 Diestel & back, 3.12 miles. 35:18, which is an 11:18 mile.

Still working for that darned elusive sub 11:00 mile. I will get it someday... I have been close - did SH Park in 11:07 once. Will keep trying!

Exercise update

Saturday 8/12 walked to 953 Diestel; 3.02 miles; 35:20 (11:41 mile). 64 degrees, felt good. Average heart rate 141.

Sunday 8/13 walked about 4 miles while camping. It was beautiful up in the mountains and it was an amazing walk. 52 minutes; ave heart rate was low 140s.

Monday 8/14 walked pushing the stroller because Loren had an early morning appt and my alarm clock didn't go off. It was a decent walk but a bit warm.

Tuesday 8/15 hiked up Mt Van Cott above the U of U. I'm not sure how far I walked, but my book Hiking the Wasatch suggests 2 miles round trip. However, I think it was farther because of where I had to park - there is now a building where there used to be parking when the book was written. I am guessing maybe 3 miles round trip. It took about 1 hr 10 min, and it is 1148 feet of elevation gain, according to the book. My quads were really feeling it on the way down - it was quite steep, that's for sure. I'm still trying to get ready for the Timp hike next Monday the 21st, so I thought a real steep hike was in order.

Book game

Sara wrote in her blog about some books. I love to read, though my taste is definitely not as sophisticated as hers. Nonetheless, I thought I'd write about what I like.

1. One book that changed your life: Walking: The Complete Guide to the Complete Exercise by Casey Meyers (see my previous post as to why).

2. One book that you’ve read more than once: Ender's Game, by Orson Scott Card. He is one of my favorite writers, and this book is a classic in the sci-fi genre.

3. One book you would want on a desert island: If I can only pick one, I agree w/Sara that it would have to be the Bible.

4. One book that made you laugh: The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy - OK, it was fluffy, but it really was funny. I'm also enjoying the Girlfriend's Guide to Toddlers.

5. One book that made you cry: The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger. Great book - I love time travel books, and this one had some new twists. It was super sad, though.

6. One book I wish had been written: How to Survive Med School, Residency, Quitting, and Career Indecision And Trouble That Seems To Go On Forever.

7. One book you wish had never been written: I've read some really really BAD sci-fi books my dad passes on to me... but they were so bad I've forgotten (mercifully) their titles.

8. One book you are currently reading: John Adams, by David McCullough. Great book so far. I finished 1776 (by the same author)not long ago for book club, and it was fabulous, so now I'm reading John Adams for an encore. I am bummed, though, because I don't think I'll be able to attend book club w/my brother and his fiancee in town this weekend.

9. One book you’ve been meaning to read: A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (recommended by Kate Wheatley).

10. Tag five people: Tania Choi, Sara McNeil, Mark Peach, Sam Wheatley, and Danny Maland (don't even know if you all read my blog, but hey, it's worth a shot!).

The book that has changed my life

Aside from the Bible, the book that has most changed my life in the last year (I discovered it in August - my mom actually had a copy!?!?!) is Walking: A Complete Guide to the Complete Exercise by Casey Meyers. It is an awesome guide to help the average person learn to do "aerobic walking". This is NOT race walking (though now I am very interested in race walking and trying to learn some of the techniques). It just means that you are walking fast enough to get your heart rate in the aerobic training range of 65%-85% of max. Yes, you can do this by walking. You do not have to run and risk knee or other injury to get the maximum aerobic benefit.

The principle is this: walking is a LESS efficient gait than running when you do it very fast. That means you use MORE energy, more oxygen, etc. to walk fast than to run. Therefore, it is VERY good exercise. The key is to use a bent arm swing when you walk, so that you can go fast enough to get your heart rate in the aerobic range. It really works, and it's the best exercise I have ever tried - and I'm a former confirmed couch potato. No more! It really has changed my life to find an exercise I love. The best part is, when I work out, I get to eat more :) and still lose weight!

Well, that's enough ranting... you should try it for yourself! Let me know how you like it. I will be happy to help you learn the technique if you like - it is really very easy.`

Walking 8/10

SugarHouse Park, 3.75 miles

Total time 41:31 (11:07 per mile average!)
Mile 1 11:37
Mile 2 22:26 (10:49! WOW! My first whole mile under 11:00!)
Mile 3 33:48 (11:22)

Average heart rate 148.

Temperature was a perfect 62. Could not have been better weather for an aerobic walk.

I'm wondering if my mile markers are off, since my 2nd mile is always faster when I do this course. I will have to go double check one of these days.

Today was my record time! I am hoping to break an 11:00 mile over the whole course eventually. That would mean going quite a bit faster, but I think I can do it. I have been re-inspired by reading my favorite walking book again and got some great technique tips. See post above for more info.

SMILES!

Michelle SMILED at Loren on Monday night, and she smiled at me several times yesterday! It is so great to see her developing and the smiles are the cutest. I will try to get one on camera soon.

Walking 8/8

Yesterday I walked for 35 min but did LOTS of hills. I went UP the hill on Harrison between 1100 and 1300 East 4 times. That is one steep mother of a hill! I hope it helps me get ready for Timp in 2 weeks. Today I biked to circuit training (about 550 calories total burned) and tomorrow I plan to do another long walk, hopefully UP hill somewhere.

Enjoying the journey

WW for the week was a new challenge. I did great all week but gained 2.2 lb. My leader thinks it's b/c I have been training so much for the Timp climb, and that when you work out >1hr at high intensity that you can actually end up gaining. I think maybe that has something to do w/it, but maybe it's water weight, or postpartum hormones, or who knows what. In any case, the lesson today was about enjoying the journey and not being in too much of a hurry to get to goal, because this is a lifetime thing. That was appropriate and helpful, and I'm excited to have a great week and keep up the positive changes I've made. Went to Bern & Tyler's baby shower tonight and ate great - even had points for delicious cake! I was certainily enjoying my journey tonight!

Exercise

Friday 8/4
No weight training class, so I went biking - to 1514 Emigration Canyon Rd. Time uphill: 35 min. Time downhill: 17 min.

Saturday 8/5
Walking - 3 miles, to 1300 S 1900E. Time: 35:06. 11:42/mile. Felt tired today.

8 mile challenge

I'm currently training to climb Mt. Timpanogos w/my brother on August 21, so I thought I'd do a longer walk to get in shape. I did almost 8 miles this morning to see if I could keep up the pace. It was a pleasant morning (about 68 degrees) with low humidity and a nice breeze. I took the dogs, and they managed to do the whole thing, believe it or not.

Stats:
7.92 miles
1:35:09
average mile 12:01 (darn it, just a litte faster and I'd have cracked 12 min for the distance)
average heart rate 139
calories burned 847 (wow! I am going to enjoy some great food today!)

Mt. Timpanogos hike stats (we may start and end at the same spot and not do the car thing, in which case the stats will be a bit different):

Distance: 12.9 miles (plus 5.3 miles by car)

Elevations: 4,580 ft. gain, 4,840 ft. loss
• Timpooneke Trailhead (start): 7,170 ft.
• Emerald Lake: 10,380 ft.
• Mount Timpanogos: 11,749 ft.
• Mount Timpanogos Trailhead (finish): 6,910 ft.

The Garbage Can Flood of 2006

Yesterday there was a HUGE thunderstorm here. Lots of damage in Provo and other places. However, in our neighborhood, there was just the giant garbage can flood. We live on a hill, and when it poured very very hard for a while, the gutters filled with water. LOTS of water. A 2 foot wide fast-moving river of water. My mother-in-law heard the noise first - "Wow, that thunder is really loud". She looked outside and saw garbage cans being carried down the street from above. The uphill neighbors' cans careened downhill, hit our cans (one of them still FULL!) and carried them downhill. Fast. We ran after the cans, me with the baby in the sling, Calvin watching at the door. I came upon our green can and had to wrestle it upright and put slimy tomatoes and other garbage back in it, getting wetter by the second as it poured rain on me. I dragged the can up the hill and through the river of water, getting myself totally drenched. The minute I set foot in the river, the force of the water against my leg caused the water to shoot up to soak my shorts and underwear. Meanwhile, MIL was dragging the blue can (empty) up the hill to our house. Whew. The baby actually slept through the whole thing, believe it or not. She was pretty wet though, so I had to change her clothes, which woke her up - go figure. What an adventure!

Biking - Monday 7/31; Walking - Tuesday 8/1

Biking:
City Creek Canyon with Dorothy - about 55 minutes to the top (maybe as much as 57? didn't look at my stopwatch right when we got there). It was pretty good until the last 5-10 min, when my legs got really tired after some huge hills at the end. I'm thinking I might need to look into a bike w/lower gears. Total time 1 hr 19 min (though that includes a couple stops, notably at the top).

Walking:
To Laird and 1900 E. 3.08 miles, 35:10. Average 11:25 mile.
65 degrees, 74% humidity. Felt good to start, but was a bit warm by the time I got home.
Felt great on the way out, but on the way back my legs were tired, probably from the biking and weight training on Monday (I did walking lunges w/50 lb in weight training).

Walking

To 953 Diestel and back, 3.02 miles.
35:58, average 11:55 mile.
Slow today - it was nasty outside. 75 degrees and 50% humidity, which for here is just icky feeling - too humid and I just felt hot the whole time. Got a bit of a side stitch too. However, I'm glad I went and got the exercise, as I feel better for it now that I'm home.

WW progress

This week I lost 1.8 lb for a total of 82.8 lb!
I am only 12 lb from goal now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The grandfather of one of my piano students is 6 lb from goal (and has been for quite some time now). I challenged him to a contest - if he gets to goal first, I get him a baseball cap. If I get to goal first, he gets me a WW cookbook. I hope this helps to motivate him :).

Walking

SugarHouse Park, 3.75 miles.
Total time 42:12 (new record!). Average mile 11:15.
Split times:
Mile 1 - 11:34
Mile 2 - 11:10
Mile 3 - 11:39
Mile 3.75 - 7:48 (10:24 mile; this segment has lots of downhill, FYI).

Walking today

SugarHouse Park route, 3.75 miles, 42:40. 3 mile split 34:41. Overall, 11:22.2 mile. First 3 miles 11:34. That last 0.75 miles was a blistering 10:38!!!

Felt a little sluggish at the start, and decided I'd take it easy. But when I got warmed up a bit, it felt great, so I went faster. When I hit the park, there were a couple of joggers moving slowly, and I thought "maybe I can pass them". Sure enough, my walking was faster than their slow jogging, and I passed them up. I have never passed a jogger before, and I was thrilled! This motivated me to go really fast and by the end I was flying. Felt great most of the time except for a slight side stitch partway through. The weather was great - not as hot as it has been. Still a bit warm by the end, but not bad.

Big news!

My brother is engaged! Yup, that's right! I've known for a little while, but am just getting around to posting about it. I haven't met Erica yet, but everyone tells me she's great, especially Alex :). They are coming to visit us in August, and I'm really looking forward to meeting my new sister! I have always wanted to have a sister!!!

Here are some pictures of their engagement.

Exercise

Last night: biked w/Dorothy from 5600W to the Saltair. She said it was about 17-18 miles. 1 hr 10 min. Quads were very tired at the end!

This morning: walked 3.02 mi (to 1222S 1300E) in 35:21, an 11:42 mile.
My legs felt very tired, not surprisingly. Still did pretty well, though. It was warm but not too hot. Ran into Kim Thoenen out on my walk and enjoyed a brief chat.

WW progress for the week

Forgot to post this yesterday. Lost 1.0 lb for a total of 81.0 lb! I only have 14 lb to go to get to goal now :).

Walking times

I'm going to start keeping track of my walks on here... seemed like a good place to put them.

Saturday 7/22:
3.04 miles, 36:00, 11:50 /mile.
Felt great - uphill route to 931 Diestel Rd, farthest I've ever gotten on this route in that time. Right quad a bit sore from something.
Very hot today.

Sunday 7/23: 3.75 miles (SugarHouse Park), 42:53 (mile splits 11:50; 23:20 (11:30); 34:52 (11:32)) , 11:26/mile. RECORD TIME!
Hey, I was smokin'! Right quad still a bit sore.
It was hot today.

Ski Jumping

We attended the women's international ski jumping competition in Park City tonight, which was a LOT of fun. Calvin absolutely loved watching the jumpers and clapping when the crowd clapped and cheered for the good jumps. He also loved watching people go down the zip line adjacent to the ski jumps. He mooched popcorn off of a lady sitting next to us, which was a bit embarrassing but really cute. Michelle slept the whole time, except for waking up to eat once.

Here are some pictures.

Anniversary dinner

We finally got our annniversary dinner (it was June 26th but I was in the hospital). Here's to 13 great years and many more to come!
We enjoyed a fabulous meal at Caffe Molise. Yum! The salmon was delicious, and the chocolate mousse cake was especially memorable, but the best part was getting some great time with Loren and having a nice uninterrupted adult conversation!

More baby fluff

She really does like those arms free :) 

Likes to sleep like this

She wouldn't sleep until she could wiggle her arms out of the swaddling and hold them over her head. Go figure... 

New swimsuit

Couldn't resist. I do have one that fits, but it's actually 15 years old, because that is the last time I was small enough to wear it. So, it was time for a new one.
All that pregnancy exercise really paid off... can you believe I had a baby 3 1/2 weeks ago?
 

LBD

Little Black Dress! I finally look good in one :)!!!!! I got this for $15 at TJMaxx... bargains abound!
 

Daddy's shirt

Calvin loved wearing Daddy's shirt. He paraded all around the house in it!!!
 

WW progress!

I lost 0.8 lb this week, to bring my total lost to 80 lbs. That's right, I have now lost EIGHTY pounds. Wow. I only have 15 more to go to reach my goal, which I hope to do by November sometime. Maybe sooner, depending on how it goes.

In other news, I am definitely right back where I was before the pregnancy in terms of fitness. This morning I walked 3.75 miles (from our house to SugarHouse Park, around the park, and back) in 44 minutes, which is an average 11:45 minute mile. I felt fabulous! The dogs actually had trouble keeping up with me at the end!

Just like daddy...

 

Grandma hugging Michelle

 

More baby pics :) bear with me!

 

 

I'm SO cute!

Isn't she adorable? :) 

Progress Report

Michelle is awake more and is more alert. She cried for her bottle again this morning, and is eating a little more than yesterday. We missed rounds today, so I'm not sure what's up, but I doubt they will let her come home tomorrow, as I still don't think she's taking quite enough by mouth. Hopefully Wednesday? Hard to say, but at least we do see improvement and are encouraged. At the same time, we miss her and wish she could be with us now. Here she is with her daddy this morning... 

New table & chairs

We put together our new table this afternoon. It was therapeutic to get our minds off the NICU, plus it's nice to have it all ready so we don't have to do it after Michelle comes home.
 

She ate her whole bottle!

She wasn't scheduled to eat until 6 pm but woke hungry at 5 pm and downed her entire bottle - first time she has eaten the WHOLE thing. We are very happy she did this and are encouraged. If she keeps that up we'll have her home in a few days, I think.

Non-baby news

I didn't write this yesterday because I was too miserable, but I went to my Weight Watchers meeting and it was fabulous. It was SO GOOD to be back. I was excited because at my weigh-in I only weighed 0.6 lb more than when I got pregnant!!! My leader was VERY impressed and had me tell the whole class (about 100 people) how I did it. She was very inspired by my hard work and decorated me by hanging a whole string of "bravo" stickers around my neck. I felt so affirmed and it was awesome. All that hard work really paid off. Hopefully I'll be at goal in no time - I've only got about 18.5 lb to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feeling better

Today I feel better. I'm tired, but am feeling more rational. I am resigned to several more days of Michelle in the NICU... but feeling hopeful that she'll be home soon. Loren is the one having a hard time w/it today. Good thing we are not both down at the same time. He is getting a nap, and I'm going to do that really soon.

Baby pictures - old & new

Maybe it's just my imagination, but I think she looks like me! :)

Feeling miserable

You would think we would be feeling better, since Michelle is doing so well. The weird thing about it is that we are actually feeling worse. At least I am. I am discouraged, depressed, tired, fatigued, emotionally drained, and feeling useless. I can't do much to help take care of Calvin, since I can't pick him up. I am pumping breastmilk 8-9x/day (in the middle of the night, too), but I get enough from one DAY of pumping to feed her not quite ONE feeding (she gets 8 per day). I can't vacuum the house, since the vacuum is supposedly too heavy to lift. I am trying to do laundry, but had to have Loren drag the baskets to the laundry room for me.

We are out of babysitters for Calvin, with none in sight. I am trying to remember all the people who said to call if we need anything, but my brain doesn't work well and I have no energy to do much of anything, including try to round up more sitters. Guess we're stuck visiting Michelle one at a time. At least we can still put Calvin in the day care on Monday on a drop-in basis, but Tuesday is a holiday, so they're closed.

Speaking of visiting Michelle, I'm finding it increasingly difficult. I visited her for 1 hour this morning and that was all I could take before I had to leave. She is wonderful, but I got so emotional and distraught that I couldn't stay any longer. I feel like she is in prison and they'll never let her go. I hate the sights and smells of the hospital. I hate seeing her in there and I can't deal with her lack of progress in the eating department. I was obsessing over every last milliliter that she was eating, and for what? It does no good. I tried to visit her w/o worrying and just hold her, but couldn't separate the two. I feel I'm not a very good mother. If I were a good mother I'd be there for her no matter how lousy it makes me feel. I just don't feel I can do it any more. I want my baby home. I want to hold her. I don't want strangers taking care of her (no matter how good they are at it). I WANT MY BABY. NOW.

2 down, 1 to go

Michelle is on room air as of Thursday afternoon. She finished her IV antibiotics at 4:30 am Saturday morning, so the only thing left for her to do is eat well. Unfortunately, that is really not happening. She is only eating about 1/2 of her food by mouth, and there has been no improvement in her eating. She gets sleepy and just won't/can't take any more food orally, so they have to give it to her through the nasogastric tube (the only tube left in this photo).

Off of oxygen!

Michelle got off of oxygen entirely this afternoon! Now she still has to EAT more by bottle before she can come home. Please pray that she does much better with this tomorrow, as tonight was a bit discouraging - she was too sleepy to eat from the bottle. She has to eat more or she will have to stay longer.

First breastfeeding & first bottle!

To go home, Michelle has to:
1) Finish her IV antibiotics (Friday night is her last dose)
2) Eat a normal amount from a bottle/from the breast
3) Be off the oxygen (though she *might* be able to come home on a small amount of oxygen).
She's doing great on #1 and #2, but #3 is coming slower so far. She's only on 25-30% oxygen through a nasal cannula (room air is 21% O2), but she still needs it.

Yesterday, June 28th, I got to breastfeed her and also got to give her her first bottle. Because my milk supply stinks (like last time, despite all of my best efforts), she really has to eat from a bottle in order to go home. The unfortunate side effect of this is that she might not be able to breastfeed well at all later, but since I don't have too much milk, it's not the end of the world. We just want her healthy so she can come home soon.

 

As of June 27th

She was doing much better - off CPAP and onto just a nasal cannula with some oxygen to help her breathe. She is now getting formula/breastmilk through a nasogastric tube, in addition to some nutrition via IV (TPN).
 

In the NICU

After developing difficulty breathing about 20 hrs after her birth, Michelle was taken to the NICU, which is not a fun place for a baby to be. She had CPAP to help her breathe and IV antibiotics to fight what they think was pneumonia. She was being fed through an IV too.
 

She's Here!

Michelle Grace Stevenson
6 lb 11 oz, 19 inches long
born 6-23-06 at 8:02 am
 

38 week belly shot

This photo was taken on Saturday, June 17th. Wow, I'm looking a lot bigger than my 34 week belly shot. I guess that's as it should be!

3 days and counting

Only 3 days until baby girl is here! I am getting so excited. There are still lots of little details to take care of before she is here, but I'm mostly ready. I say mostly, not just because there are still things to do, but also because I'm not sure one can ever really be ready for a new little life that is YOUR responsibility to take care of. Regardless, it is very exciting, and it's hard to sleep now. When I wake up in the middle of the night (usually for the 2nd or 3rd time) to use the bathroom, it's hard to get back to sleep. My mind is racing with thoughts about the upcoming surgery, the baby (who will she look like? what will her personality be like? etc), and all of the stuff I'd like to get done before Friday.

I am feeling fabulous about meeting the goals I set for this pregnancy. When I found out I was pregnant, I wrote some weight-related goals for myself. They included 1) eating sensibly and tracking my WW points, 2) exercising for at least 28 points per week, 3) trying to gain only the ACOG recommended 15-25 lb (for a person who is overweight to start with - others need to gain 25-35 lb, but I was still 20 lb overweight). I have managed to achieve EVERY LAST ONE of these goals! I tracked my points every day. EVERY DAY. I exercised for more than 28 pts/wk every week. In fact, I exercised every day except for the days when I had 7:30 am OB appts (and some of those I still managed to exercise anyway). There were a couple weeks I was sick and couldn't get all the exercise points, but I don't count that against myself. Finally, I have gained only 19 lb so far, with 3 days to go. Fabulous! I DID IT!

My goals for the next few weeks -
1) Eat sensibly but don't try to lose for a couple weeks after the surgery (try not to gain as well - just eat to maintain). I need to allow my body a bit to recover before I start losing again. Besides, I expect to lose 15-20 lb in baby, placenta, amniotic fluid, extra blood volume, etc, so why push it?
2) Try to get in *some* exercise when I feel up to it. At least manage to walk around the block, if possible, at a slow speed. Work up to more as I am able. I'm going to miss my aerobic walking, but hopefully I'll be back up to speed soon.
3) Return to WW meetings on July 8th at 7:30 am. Janiece, I miss your meetings... I'll be back soon! I miss my friends at the meetings, too, so it will be great to be back. See you all in a few weeks!!! Once I return to meetings I'll have some new goals, which I will post.

Tantrums

Calvin has officially entered the tantrum stage. Don't give him what he wants, and he's likely to pitch a fit. A really good fit. Today it was a 20 minute fit because I wouldn't let him eat his breakfast while running around the house - I actually wanted him to sit at the table, funny that. He finally calmed down, sort of... but wasn't interested in sitting in the chair. Well, I needed to go grocery shopping, and we had to eat first, so in the chair he went, and of course he pitched another really good fit. Here is a sample. Anyway, he did stop after a couple of minutes and proceeded to decide that eating breakfast would be a good idea, much to my relief. I felt really bad for him and wished there was something I could do to make it better, other than caving in, but there wasn't. So, here we go... I'm scared, because my mom tells me my own tantrums were notoriously horrible. I guess it's payback time.

Can you hear this?

This NPR story has a link near the top for a cell phone ringtone that apparently only teens and young adults can hear:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5434687


I could hear it just fine, though, so my hearing is apparently exceptional for someone my age. Weird. I guess I didn't listen to too much loud music as a kid? Anyway, I'm curious to know how many of you over-30 types can hear it. I'm assuming if you're under 30 you can hear it, but if you can't, let me know. I am curious...

Random thoughts for the week

After not posting for a week (again), I'm back. Monday night women's group was good & helpful, as usual. They were all kind to listen to me ramble about how my life has gotten all chaotic again, despite my best intentions. I'm happy to report that 2 days later, things are better. I have been more deliberate about NOT planning too much and NOT trying to accomplish too much in one day. I have taken naps. I even managed to (gasp!) get up early and have a nice quiet time yesterday. Plus, at work, I addressed some issues of having too much to do, and gave some stuff to my co-workers. I always feel vaguely guilty when I have to admit that I just can't do everything, but the guilt didn't last very long this time. I mostly feel relieved that I don't have to try and cram all that stuff into my part-time presence in the lab, and I feel I'll do the things I do have to do much better now that I've handed some of the other projects over to others. Whew. Anyway, I do appreciate the prayers of the women on Monday, because they really did seem to help.

I'm finding myself increasingly tired and more uncomfortable. Baby girl's antics still delight, but sometimes at 3 am after the 2nd (or even 3rd) bathroom trip when I am trying to get back to sleep, the kicking/punching/rolling around is a bit difficult. All in all, I am still feeling great, though, and the pregnancy has been pretty easy overall, for which I am VERY grateful. It's just that with only 2 weeks and 2 days left until c-section day, I am getting super antsy to actually HOLD my baby and look into her eyes and cuddle her. I'm a bit like a kid at Christmas, counting down the days and the work days until she arrives. Of course, that makes time seem so much slower, but I just can't help it. It's so exciting! We've mostly got things ready for her, which is good. I'm also now seeing the doctor every week, which makes the countdown seem more real as well.

Well, it's time to read a few other blogs and then go to bed early. I need the rest!!!

Book thoughts - "Passing For Thin" by Frances Kuffel

After my friend from church, Sara Z, recommended this book, I knew I had to read it. Sara has great taste in literature and is a fellow buddy in the weight loss journey (we're both on Weight Watchers).

I am too lazy to actually structure this as a formal review, so I'm just going to write some thoughts about it. I have about 25 pink stickies in the book on the pages I want to comment on, so this may be sorta random, but hopefully there are some good thoughts in here.

First of all, I absolutely LOVED this book. It really made me think about several things: 1) why I got fat in the first place, 2) what happened to make me want to be thin enough to actually succeed at losing and keep it off (so far!), 3) the nature of the transition from being fat to thin, mentally (physically the changes are more obvious and easier to catalog). As I ramble about the book, you'll get more details on the above 3 items.

Kuffel writes about what lay behind the first compulsive bite... and she doesn't remember. Neither do I. I know my food problem goes a long way back - I remember eating compulsively in high school. I wasn't particularly heavy then (maybe 10-20 lb overweight at most), probably because I was very busy and involved in things like marching band, which kept the weight down. A teenage metabolism probably helped as well. In any case, I know that I ate for comfort, for pleasure, and to relieve stress and/or boredom. Kuffel writes, "Food was animate, a completely mutual and unfailingly loyal friend." This was true for me for at least 20 years (age 13ish until age 34, when I joined WW). The problem is that though food SEEMED like a loyal friend, it turned around and stabbed me in the back, saddling me with a heavy weight and bringing me to a point where I felt I had no control over it (like any other addictive substance). For Kuffel, "the reasons why I ate are much less important than the eating itself, and what it did to my body and my life. The motivations are lost in the food, in my increasing bulk, in my loss of participation. Food wanted me. I wanted it more than I wanted anyone else. That is all that matters." That's the problem with sin (yes, I'm going to use that word, because that is what this really is about) - our pastor says you don't do sin, it does you. That is the truth, especially when it comes to addiction. The loss of control and the need for the grace of God to rescue you is totally apparent when you are trapped in the mire of addiction.

I knew my eating was out of control for a long time. I tried (and succeeded several times) to lose weight, but I could never keep it off. Food always seemed to have the upper hand. I think I knew that I had a problem from the time I was about 20 or 21. The repeated attempts at losing weight and keeping it off left me more and more desperate and despondent. I thought I would never ever be able to do it, and despaired that God had forgotten me in my fat misery. I prayed and begged for God to remove my food addiction, and it seemed that he was not listening. I wondered with the Psalmist (Psalm 13) HOW LONG would it be? How long would I suffer? When would I be able to overcome? I don't know why God waited so long to answer my prayers, but I do know that I really did have to come to the point of total and complete desperation and stay there for a while before the choice became clear. I had to sever my love affair with food, or it would literally kill me. I had to do something before I taught my son the same poor eating habits and coping mechanisms that I had grown up with. I had to grow to hate what food did to me so much that I would not ever want to go back. I had to want to be normal more than I wanted the food - and though it took a long time, I did finally arrive at that point.

I joined WW February 5, 2005, not sure that I would succeed, but sure that I had to change my life and do something different. I'm not going to write much about the hows of the whole process, because I think that once my mental state was such that I was really ready, the rest followed from that. I knew it was do or die. I began at 250 lb (yes, I really was that big) on my 5'8" frame. Before I got pregnant in November 2005 (actually October, but didn't know until November), I lost 77 lb and was down to 172 lb. My BMI (Body Mass Index) dropped from an alarming 38 to an almost normal 26 (20-24.9 is considered normal). I had only 18 more lb to go before I reached goal, and after the baby is born, I'm sure that I'm going to get there. (Side note: I have been diligent during pregnancy to continue journaling my food intake and exercise daily, and I've kept my weight gain to 15 lb so far, with only 3 weeks and 2 days left in pregnancy).

Back to the book! Some of the stuff that resonated with me about what Kuffel calls "life on the planet of fat" was very poignant. She writes of a trip to Coney Island, where the highlight for her was the amazing amount of great food. I remember wanting to go to the state fair or county fair for the same reason: the food. Sure, there was fun stuff to do there, but the main motivation was the tantalizing array of fat-laden goodies, from state fair tacos, to ice cream treats, to nachos brimming over with melted cheese, to kettle corn... you get the point. Anyway, Kuffel was at Coney Island with her friends, enjoying all the food, when a wind gust lifts her jumper skirt to reveal a pair of plaid shorts. One of her friends notices the shorts and inquires about them. Kuffel is so ashamed, because she is wearing the shorts to prevent her thighs from getting chafed from rubbing together. She makes up an excuse, "Ummm-modesty?". Inside she felt so horrible, "Diaper rash at the age of thirty-seven. My shame came layered in shame". I identified with her so much at this point. I remember being so heavy that I couldn't wear a jumper or dress without shorts underneath for the same reason. I was never discovered at this little "trick" like she was, but the shame of just having to do this still remains fresh in my mind. Some other shames she and I remember together - blood pressure cuffs that were too small, wondering if you'd fit in certain chairs comfortably, pantyhose tops that were painful even in the largest sizes, airplane seats that were way too small (the armrests dug into my legs for hours on one trip), and the glares when I was taking up too much room. This is realy hard to write about - wow. Sharing the shame, even now that I am normal weight, is shameful. But maybe it will help some of you, somehow.

Thoughts on the weight loss journey come next. Kuffel writes of her first meetings at what I assume is OA (Overeaters Anonymous - a 12-step program), and how impressed and encouraged she was that people in the group had actually lost weight. She cried a lot those first meetings as she really felt understood in her fat state "tell me how to stop, how to be thin". While I didn't cry at my WW meetings, I really was surprised at how much I connected with the others in the meetings, knowing they had been where I was, watching them lose, and cheering each other on. The meetings really did become a highlight of my week, and I drew strength from them to continue. I miss them now that I'm pregnant and can't go, and really can't wait to go back soon.

As Kuffel loses weight, she notices the little things. Her shoes fit better (mine do too). Her watch is loose (I have had 2 links removed, and need another one removed soon). I personally was thrilled when I could cross my legs again (and even at 9 mos pregnant, I still can!). It is easier for her to bend over, easier for me to tie my shoes (well, not pregnant, but it was easier!!!). It was such a thrill to see the changes, and it was so motivating. Being able to wear tailored pants that you can tuck shirts into - marvelous! Shopping in the regular women's department instead of the plus sizes for the first time in years. Most significantly, even when my days were just not going right, remembering that one thing was going well: I was losing weight, and it was fabulous.

What happens when the weight is gone or almost gone? Physically, you feel great. Mentally, you feel much better, but you are not used to being a normal-sized person. You still think you are fat. You are afraid to wear form-fitting clothing. When Kuffel finally fits into a beautiful suit that is a size 10, she says, “Tall, black hair gone cranky, my eyes a bright navy blue and my complexion unsallowed from the flattering color, the blazer buttoned so that it showed my waist. This time, I said it: two words I had never, ever said out loud, stripped of ‘someday I think I could be,’ to another person. ‘I’m pretty.’” It’s so hard to realize that you really do look different than you used to, to realize that people who meet you for the first time think that you are a normal person, and to think that just possibly you might look good. When Kuffel gets a manicure, she says, “I hadn’t even considered it when I was fat and it was too mysterious to wrap my already-crazed brain around in my thinitude. It was a Girl Thing I vaguely wondered if I…deserved.” I’ve never had a manicure, but mostly I think it’s because my fingernails have never grown particularly well anyway, and I’m just too cheap to spend the $. However, the ladies of our church gave me a European pedicure for a baby shower gift, and I am really looking forward to it. It somehow seems fitting – a symbol of really being a normal woman, of caring more about my appearance even down to my feet. I’m still working on this. I’m still afraid to wear sleeveless clothing, but I’m doing it anyway. Part of me is not sure it looks good, but I am learning to trust my husband and friends who reassure me that it is OK. This is a journey that is fun, even though it is sometimes still scary.

Finally, at the end of her book, Kuffel looks back on where she has been, “How many recoveries did I think I had in me? None. I’d never recovered, and I certainly didn’t get thin by yanking the wherewithal out of myself. What I’d gotten came from other people…my brother would call it God.” I was a little disappointed that she doesn’t recognize the grace of God more in her recovery, but I’m not sure she totally discounts it either. Looking back, I can certainly say that I didn’t have any recoveries in me. I was floundering and lost. Yes, I exercised willpower, but it’s been so different than the other times that I did the same. I don’t know what was different this time, and can only credit the grace and mercy of God. I will still need it for the journey ahead, because addictions like this are a lifetime struggle, but all I can do is cling to the hope that I have in what God has already done and what can still be.

Baby update

Baby is now scheduled to arrive on June 23rd, instead of June 24th. It seems that the residents at the hospital are graduating the evening of the 23rd, so coverage to help w/surgery will be better on the 23rd. Okee dokee, I guess. Loren wasn't thrilled because he'll need to take one more day off of work, and we're going to have to figure out something different for child care, but I'm OK with it.

Hey, anyone want to help take care of Calvin during the day on the 23rd, 24th, or 25th? We had someone lined up for the 24th, but they may be able to dot he 23rd if that's better for any of you folks out there who wanna give us a hand.

This means there are only 4 wks and 1 day left!

I must be on a blogging tear tonight. After not blogging for several weeks, I suppose the thoughts have been pent-up and waiting to explode through my fingers and keyboard onto the www.

Things have been so busy here that I've hardly had time to think, which is not good. Between work crazyness, Guild auditions for my piano students & their recital, and being sick, I have just been insane. I want things to SLOW down for just a bit so I can catch my breath. Fortunately we're going to visit some friends in Vegas this weekend, and though we hate Vegas with a mad purply passion, we love our friends and haven't seen them in a couple years. I am looking forward to a few days away from home, because when I'm home I usually think of 29 things to do instead of relaxing, no matter how good my intentions are.

The month of June looks to be better, overall. Work crazyness should ease with the boss going to the meeting with the now-completed poster. Piano stuff will be back to its normal dull roar. Hopefully I'm done being sick for a while. I am cultivating the skill of saying "NO" for June and July, because I'M HAVING A BABY AND SOMEONE ELSE CAN DO WHATEVER IT IS, DARN IT! I'm just practicing, but that felt good.

Time to get some rest - I'm exhausted and have an early dr appt tomorrow.

34 week belly shot

Yup, 34 weeks down and 5 to go. Actually, as of today, it's 4 weeks and 3 days, but who's counting? Baby girl is scheduled to arrive June 24th by c-section, and we are really excited. I'm in full-blown nesting mode now. I have sorted baby clothes and filed them away in the dresser, ready for use (had to move out some of Calvin's clothes to other drawers and re-arrange 2 closets to accommodate blankets, etc so I'd have room for baby girl stuff). I still need to set up the co-sleeper, but figure I've got a few weeks to do that. Also would sure like to clean out the garage. We've got to get to the back to dig the infant car seat and bouncy seat out anyhow, so might as well clean up the mess in there while we're at it.

Anyway, I love this picture, mostly because I really love this little black dress :) even though I am still not used to baring my arms and it does make me feel a little funny to wear sleeveless stuff. 

Thanks for the great baby shower!

Thx to all the New Song ladies who came to my shower and got me such cute gifts. And the pedicure... a stroke of genius to give the pg lady who can hardly reach her feet a foot pampering treat. Special thanks to my wonderful friend Sarah M for hosting :)!

I like this picture a lot because I see in it a NORMAL (i.e. NOT heavy) woman who is 34 weeks pregnant. I am indebted to Sara Z for helping me to realize that I actually do look normal now, which is amazing after being heavy for so long.

Sick again

Yup, we have all been sick here. It's not been fun. Loren was really sick Monday and took the day off work... Calvin was still getting over it, so he was grumpy. I got it Tuesday and felt awful. To top it off, I had this work project that would NOT go easily. I was making a poster for my boss to take to a meeting, and the computer corrupted my file once when I was saving it, and then the software has some glitch that causes it to keep ruining the file for editing when you save it under a different name or save it to an .eps file for printing. Anyway, the short and the long of it is that I worked a full day Tuesday while feeling like total garbage. Then I came home and Loren still felt ill too (he had come home early sick). We somehow managed to care for Calvin long enough to get him into bed for the night.

Today has been slightly better. I didn't go to work (I actually did finish the poster yesterday, so it was possible to stay home) and felt better this afternoon. Now I'm starting to feel crummy again. Sore throat is coming back and I'm dreading another night like last night. I was up every hour because my stupid throat hurt. I have an OB appt tomorrow morning at 7:30 am so I guess if it keeps me up again at least I can have the doc check it out for me.

Thanks, ladies

Loved our women's Bible study last night. I was feeling pretty discouraged about my place at New Song as a musician and they were very helpful. Though I enjoy the band music a lot and like working with everyone, I feel pretty much like a fish out of water. I don't really do the style they do very well, and it feels like a huge stretch every week. I'm going to take June & July off because of the upcoming new arrival in our family, and I think that will help me regain some perspective, get some rest, adn feel better about things.

Anyway, thanks, ladies, for your support and listening ears. I really appreciate you!!!!

Piano recital

My students' recital was tonight, and they did pretty well. I'm watching the video (sort of, since I'm reading blogs, e-mail, and typing this) while I download it into my computer. I'm going to make them all a DVD so they can review their performances before Guild auditions. Maybe watching themselves on tape will help them see/hear things that I keep telling them about that they don't seem to change. Mostly they are doing really well, but there are certain things I tell them over and over that don't sink in. Ah well, they are young yet. Anyway, there were some great moments of success, and some spectacular OOPS moments too. The thing that is neat, though, is hearing the improvement they are all making over time - they are so much better than last year or the year before.

Today - on the front page of the Deseret News

Our lab continues to be in the news with this article today:

http://deseretnews.com/dn/view/0,1249,635205029,00.html

Our lab was on TV!

The Odelberg Lab was on TV last night because there was a press release about a new grant we just got from DARPA (Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency). The grant is for research into limb regeneration in newts and also in mammals, with the eventual goal being regeneration in humans.

Anyway, if you're interested, the links below will take you to a story and a video clip. You'll need Real Player to watch the video. Have fun!

http://www.ksl.com/?sid=243911&nid=148

http://real.ksl.com/video/slc/1/108/10852.ram

Noticing

People are really starting to notice that I'm pregnant, which makes me really happy. Last time I was too fat for people to tell (yikes, how embarrassing!) but this time that is not the case. I am really really really enjoying the rewards from all the hard work on WW! I actually can't wait to go back and finish losing the rest.

Speaking of pregnancy, I can hardly believe that I have less than 8 weeks left now. I am really excited to "meet" my little girl. She is kicking right now, so maybe she's excited to meet me too?

Mother's Day

Is in 2 weeks. Yikes. I figured out what to do for my mom, though. In case she is actually reading this (hi mom!), I'm not going to say what it is, but I'm actually MAKING something for her. Wow. I was inspired by this Garrison Keillor article. I'm not a poet, so I'm not writing anything, but it is still creative :). I hope she will like it.

Must post more often

If I don't post more, no one is going to read this. I guess that shouldn't matter, but it sorta does. I think that I feel like I have to post some major magnum opus every time or something, and I have this idea that it's going to take a long time to post every time. I have resolved to do better before and didn't, but maybe this time???

Spring is here!

Yeah! It's been beautiful this week. Before I hit the sack, here are some photos I took from our house.

Sick and pregnant

This is NOT a good combination. Pregnancy takes a lot out of a person as it is. Today I have been SICK. Lying on the couch all day kind of sick. Went to work for 1.5 hrs but came home ASAP because I was VERY ill. Thing is, I thought I was OK enough to work when I went in, but promptly discovered that I was NOT. I am really nauseous, have lots of heartburn, and have hardly had any appetite all day. Plus I'm super weak, dizzy, and sleepy. Sitting is better than lying down, because of the heartburn, but being on the computer for the past hour has taken its toll and I think I need to hit the sack. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Update

It's been a while since I've blogged. Things have been pretty good here. Here's the general update:

Loren - doing well w/his job. They are moving him to another building next week, which he is excited about. He thinks that will be a more stimulating environment.

Tammy - getting larger at 28 weeks 6 days pregnant. Still feeling pretty good, and all is well with the pregnancy. Passed the glucose screen this week (in fact, it was low!).

Calvin - had his 18 month appt this week and is 24 lb (25th %ile) and 33 inches tall (75th %ile). Got some shots and was a bit under the weather the next day, but seems to have recovered.

Calvin is having a drink w/the guys (Danny and Eric are in our Sunday Night Fellowship). 

random stuff

What's on my mind, you ask? Well, one thing is that I've now gained 10 lbs. It's hard to see the scale inching up, even though it's supposed to. I worked so hard to lose all that weight, and now to put it back on again is hard. Of course, I'm pretty hungry and seem to need to eat a lot, so that makes it easy. I just hope that I'm exercising some self-control along the way and staying reasonable about it. The other day I caught myself thinking, "Why should I exercise when I'm just going to gain weight anyway?". Yikes. Nipped that one in the bud pretty quickly - of course I still need to exercise or I'll gain MORE weight. Plus I want to stay fit and healthy, and exercise is part of that. I've been good about it - still walking 4x/wk (or aerobics if the weather's bad) and weight training 3x/wk.

I have a dr appt tomorrow, which I'm looking forward to. I don't know why, since they're routine and it's the same thing every time... urine test for sugar/protein, blood pressure, measure fundal height, check my weight, and listen for baby's heartbeat. I still like it, perhaps because each visit is bringing me closer to holding my little girl.

Calvin just woke from his nap and is crying a bit. He will probably settle down and play for a little while if I let him. It's traumatic to wake up! Anyway, he is learning LOTS of new stuff every day - he understands more and more words and is learning more baby signs all the time. He's a joy to be around (for the most part) and we love watching him learn. His latest thing is to sign "hat" and bring me his hat when he wants to go outside. If I don't get the hint, he stands by the door and looks at me expectantly. It's really cute.

Well, he's not calming down, so I'd better go and rescue him and give him a big hug. More later.

Snow was cool :)

I have to admit that my first thought when I saw the snow accumulating this morning was despair. I worried about Loren and Calvin driving to day care in it. I cursed winter because I am sick of it. But, gloom has a way of turning to joy sometimes, and that's what happened today. I turned on the TV to see just how bad the roads were, and they were VERY bad. The reporter said that the east bench (where Calvin's day care is) got "slammed". That, and seeing that I-80 was closed in Parley's Canyon and that it was covered with snow at 700 East, settled it for me. There was NO way I was letting Loren drive Calvin to day care in that in our little Geo Metro - not with SUVs with 4WD thinking they can drive 70 mph in said conditions. So, I called in a snow day to work, and stayed home with il Calvino. When daddy left, Calvin was motioning "hat" to me, and when I put his hat on, he banged on the front door to go outside. OK, OK... we'll go outside. I had to shovel, anyway. We had a blast outside; click here for some pics and videos of our adventures.

Another belly shot

 

Belly shot

Latest belly shot at 23 weeks 2 days:
I think I finally look pregnant! 

Women's group

I love our group - it's so great. People are very supportive of one another and I feel like we're beginning to share more and feel safe doing so. I love it (yeah, yeah, already said that, but it's so true)!

I really appreciate the kindness of 2 Saras this week - Sara #1 told me yesterday that I looked beautiful like Arwen in my new maternity shirt. Wow, what a compliment! It made me feel so good. Thank you!!!! Sara #2 also told me that I look really beautiful and complimented my face & hair, etc. I feel very loved. What woman doesn't love to be told that she looks good? Thank you again, Saras!!! Our church (www.newsong.org) rocks. Where else could I meet people like this?