Feeling miserable

You would think we would be feeling better, since Michelle is doing so well. The weird thing about it is that we are actually feeling worse. At least I am. I am discouraged, depressed, tired, fatigued, emotionally drained, and feeling useless. I can't do much to help take care of Calvin, since I can't pick him up. I am pumping breastmilk 8-9x/day (in the middle of the night, too), but I get enough from one DAY of pumping to feed her not quite ONE feeding (she gets 8 per day). I can't vacuum the house, since the vacuum is supposedly too heavy to lift. I am trying to do laundry, but had to have Loren drag the baskets to the laundry room for me.

We are out of babysitters for Calvin, with none in sight. I am trying to remember all the people who said to call if we need anything, but my brain doesn't work well and I have no energy to do much of anything, including try to round up more sitters. Guess we're stuck visiting Michelle one at a time. At least we can still put Calvin in the day care on Monday on a drop-in basis, but Tuesday is a holiday, so they're closed.

Speaking of visiting Michelle, I'm finding it increasingly difficult. I visited her for 1 hour this morning and that was all I could take before I had to leave. She is wonderful, but I got so emotional and distraught that I couldn't stay any longer. I feel like she is in prison and they'll never let her go. I hate the sights and smells of the hospital. I hate seeing her in there and I can't deal with her lack of progress in the eating department. I was obsessing over every last milliliter that she was eating, and for what? It does no good. I tried to visit her w/o worrying and just hold her, but couldn't separate the two. I feel I'm not a very good mother. If I were a good mother I'd be there for her no matter how lousy it makes me feel. I just don't feel I can do it any more. I want my baby home. I want to hold her. I don't want strangers taking care of her (no matter how good they are at it). I WANT MY BABY. NOW.