She's Here!

Michelle Grace Stevenson
6 lb 11 oz, 19 inches long
born 6-23-06 at 8:02 am
 

38 week belly shot

This photo was taken on Saturday, June 17th. Wow, I'm looking a lot bigger than my 34 week belly shot. I guess that's as it should be!

3 days and counting

Only 3 days until baby girl is here! I am getting so excited. There are still lots of little details to take care of before she is here, but I'm mostly ready. I say mostly, not just because there are still things to do, but also because I'm not sure one can ever really be ready for a new little life that is YOUR responsibility to take care of. Regardless, it is very exciting, and it's hard to sleep now. When I wake up in the middle of the night (usually for the 2nd or 3rd time) to use the bathroom, it's hard to get back to sleep. My mind is racing with thoughts about the upcoming surgery, the baby (who will she look like? what will her personality be like? etc), and all of the stuff I'd like to get done before Friday.

I am feeling fabulous about meeting the goals I set for this pregnancy. When I found out I was pregnant, I wrote some weight-related goals for myself. They included 1) eating sensibly and tracking my WW points, 2) exercising for at least 28 points per week, 3) trying to gain only the ACOG recommended 15-25 lb (for a person who is overweight to start with - others need to gain 25-35 lb, but I was still 20 lb overweight). I have managed to achieve EVERY LAST ONE of these goals! I tracked my points every day. EVERY DAY. I exercised for more than 28 pts/wk every week. In fact, I exercised every day except for the days when I had 7:30 am OB appts (and some of those I still managed to exercise anyway). There were a couple weeks I was sick and couldn't get all the exercise points, but I don't count that against myself. Finally, I have gained only 19 lb so far, with 3 days to go. Fabulous! I DID IT!

My goals for the next few weeks -
1) Eat sensibly but don't try to lose for a couple weeks after the surgery (try not to gain as well - just eat to maintain). I need to allow my body a bit to recover before I start losing again. Besides, I expect to lose 15-20 lb in baby, placenta, amniotic fluid, extra blood volume, etc, so why push it?
2) Try to get in *some* exercise when I feel up to it. At least manage to walk around the block, if possible, at a slow speed. Work up to more as I am able. I'm going to miss my aerobic walking, but hopefully I'll be back up to speed soon.
3) Return to WW meetings on July 8th at 7:30 am. Janiece, I miss your meetings... I'll be back soon! I miss my friends at the meetings, too, so it will be great to be back. See you all in a few weeks!!! Once I return to meetings I'll have some new goals, which I will post.

Tantrums

Calvin has officially entered the tantrum stage. Don't give him what he wants, and he's likely to pitch a fit. A really good fit. Today it was a 20 minute fit because I wouldn't let him eat his breakfast while running around the house - I actually wanted him to sit at the table, funny that. He finally calmed down, sort of... but wasn't interested in sitting in the chair. Well, I needed to go grocery shopping, and we had to eat first, so in the chair he went, and of course he pitched another really good fit. Here is a sample. Anyway, he did stop after a couple of minutes and proceeded to decide that eating breakfast would be a good idea, much to my relief. I felt really bad for him and wished there was something I could do to make it better, other than caving in, but there wasn't. So, here we go... I'm scared, because my mom tells me my own tantrums were notoriously horrible. I guess it's payback time.

Can you hear this?

This NPR story has a link near the top for a cell phone ringtone that apparently only teens and young adults can hear:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5434687


I could hear it just fine, though, so my hearing is apparently exceptional for someone my age. Weird. I guess I didn't listen to too much loud music as a kid? Anyway, I'm curious to know how many of you over-30 types can hear it. I'm assuming if you're under 30 you can hear it, but if you can't, let me know. I am curious...

Random thoughts for the week

After not posting for a week (again), I'm back. Monday night women's group was good & helpful, as usual. They were all kind to listen to me ramble about how my life has gotten all chaotic again, despite my best intentions. I'm happy to report that 2 days later, things are better. I have been more deliberate about NOT planning too much and NOT trying to accomplish too much in one day. I have taken naps. I even managed to (gasp!) get up early and have a nice quiet time yesterday. Plus, at work, I addressed some issues of having too much to do, and gave some stuff to my co-workers. I always feel vaguely guilty when I have to admit that I just can't do everything, but the guilt didn't last very long this time. I mostly feel relieved that I don't have to try and cram all that stuff into my part-time presence in the lab, and I feel I'll do the things I do have to do much better now that I've handed some of the other projects over to others. Whew. Anyway, I do appreciate the prayers of the women on Monday, because they really did seem to help.

I'm finding myself increasingly tired and more uncomfortable. Baby girl's antics still delight, but sometimes at 3 am after the 2nd (or even 3rd) bathroom trip when I am trying to get back to sleep, the kicking/punching/rolling around is a bit difficult. All in all, I am still feeling great, though, and the pregnancy has been pretty easy overall, for which I am VERY grateful. It's just that with only 2 weeks and 2 days left until c-section day, I am getting super antsy to actually HOLD my baby and look into her eyes and cuddle her. I'm a bit like a kid at Christmas, counting down the days and the work days until she arrives. Of course, that makes time seem so much slower, but I just can't help it. It's so exciting! We've mostly got things ready for her, which is good. I'm also now seeing the doctor every week, which makes the countdown seem more real as well.

Well, it's time to read a few other blogs and then go to bed early. I need the rest!!!

Book thoughts - "Passing For Thin" by Frances Kuffel

After my friend from church, Sara Z, recommended this book, I knew I had to read it. Sara has great taste in literature and is a fellow buddy in the weight loss journey (we're both on Weight Watchers).

I am too lazy to actually structure this as a formal review, so I'm just going to write some thoughts about it. I have about 25 pink stickies in the book on the pages I want to comment on, so this may be sorta random, but hopefully there are some good thoughts in here.

First of all, I absolutely LOVED this book. It really made me think about several things: 1) why I got fat in the first place, 2) what happened to make me want to be thin enough to actually succeed at losing and keep it off (so far!), 3) the nature of the transition from being fat to thin, mentally (physically the changes are more obvious and easier to catalog). As I ramble about the book, you'll get more details on the above 3 items.

Kuffel writes about what lay behind the first compulsive bite... and she doesn't remember. Neither do I. I know my food problem goes a long way back - I remember eating compulsively in high school. I wasn't particularly heavy then (maybe 10-20 lb overweight at most), probably because I was very busy and involved in things like marching band, which kept the weight down. A teenage metabolism probably helped as well. In any case, I know that I ate for comfort, for pleasure, and to relieve stress and/or boredom. Kuffel writes, "Food was animate, a completely mutual and unfailingly loyal friend." This was true for me for at least 20 years (age 13ish until age 34, when I joined WW). The problem is that though food SEEMED like a loyal friend, it turned around and stabbed me in the back, saddling me with a heavy weight and bringing me to a point where I felt I had no control over it (like any other addictive substance). For Kuffel, "the reasons why I ate are much less important than the eating itself, and what it did to my body and my life. The motivations are lost in the food, in my increasing bulk, in my loss of participation. Food wanted me. I wanted it more than I wanted anyone else. That is all that matters." That's the problem with sin (yes, I'm going to use that word, because that is what this really is about) - our pastor says you don't do sin, it does you. That is the truth, especially when it comes to addiction. The loss of control and the need for the grace of God to rescue you is totally apparent when you are trapped in the mire of addiction.

I knew my eating was out of control for a long time. I tried (and succeeded several times) to lose weight, but I could never keep it off. Food always seemed to have the upper hand. I think I knew that I had a problem from the time I was about 20 or 21. The repeated attempts at losing weight and keeping it off left me more and more desperate and despondent. I thought I would never ever be able to do it, and despaired that God had forgotten me in my fat misery. I prayed and begged for God to remove my food addiction, and it seemed that he was not listening. I wondered with the Psalmist (Psalm 13) HOW LONG would it be? How long would I suffer? When would I be able to overcome? I don't know why God waited so long to answer my prayers, but I do know that I really did have to come to the point of total and complete desperation and stay there for a while before the choice became clear. I had to sever my love affair with food, or it would literally kill me. I had to do something before I taught my son the same poor eating habits and coping mechanisms that I had grown up with. I had to grow to hate what food did to me so much that I would not ever want to go back. I had to want to be normal more than I wanted the food - and though it took a long time, I did finally arrive at that point.

I joined WW February 5, 2005, not sure that I would succeed, but sure that I had to change my life and do something different. I'm not going to write much about the hows of the whole process, because I think that once my mental state was such that I was really ready, the rest followed from that. I knew it was do or die. I began at 250 lb (yes, I really was that big) on my 5'8" frame. Before I got pregnant in November 2005 (actually October, but didn't know until November), I lost 77 lb and was down to 172 lb. My BMI (Body Mass Index) dropped from an alarming 38 to an almost normal 26 (20-24.9 is considered normal). I had only 18 more lb to go before I reached goal, and after the baby is born, I'm sure that I'm going to get there. (Side note: I have been diligent during pregnancy to continue journaling my food intake and exercise daily, and I've kept my weight gain to 15 lb so far, with only 3 weeks and 2 days left in pregnancy).

Back to the book! Some of the stuff that resonated with me about what Kuffel calls "life on the planet of fat" was very poignant. She writes of a trip to Coney Island, where the highlight for her was the amazing amount of great food. I remember wanting to go to the state fair or county fair for the same reason: the food. Sure, there was fun stuff to do there, but the main motivation was the tantalizing array of fat-laden goodies, from state fair tacos, to ice cream treats, to nachos brimming over with melted cheese, to kettle corn... you get the point. Anyway, Kuffel was at Coney Island with her friends, enjoying all the food, when a wind gust lifts her jumper skirt to reveal a pair of plaid shorts. One of her friends notices the shorts and inquires about them. Kuffel is so ashamed, because she is wearing the shorts to prevent her thighs from getting chafed from rubbing together. She makes up an excuse, "Ummm-modesty?". Inside she felt so horrible, "Diaper rash at the age of thirty-seven. My shame came layered in shame". I identified with her so much at this point. I remember being so heavy that I couldn't wear a jumper or dress without shorts underneath for the same reason. I was never discovered at this little "trick" like she was, but the shame of just having to do this still remains fresh in my mind. Some other shames she and I remember together - blood pressure cuffs that were too small, wondering if you'd fit in certain chairs comfortably, pantyhose tops that were painful even in the largest sizes, airplane seats that were way too small (the armrests dug into my legs for hours on one trip), and the glares when I was taking up too much room. This is realy hard to write about - wow. Sharing the shame, even now that I am normal weight, is shameful. But maybe it will help some of you, somehow.

Thoughts on the weight loss journey come next. Kuffel writes of her first meetings at what I assume is OA (Overeaters Anonymous - a 12-step program), and how impressed and encouraged she was that people in the group had actually lost weight. She cried a lot those first meetings as she really felt understood in her fat state "tell me how to stop, how to be thin". While I didn't cry at my WW meetings, I really was surprised at how much I connected with the others in the meetings, knowing they had been where I was, watching them lose, and cheering each other on. The meetings really did become a highlight of my week, and I drew strength from them to continue. I miss them now that I'm pregnant and can't go, and really can't wait to go back soon.

As Kuffel loses weight, she notices the little things. Her shoes fit better (mine do too). Her watch is loose (I have had 2 links removed, and need another one removed soon). I personally was thrilled when I could cross my legs again (and even at 9 mos pregnant, I still can!). It is easier for her to bend over, easier for me to tie my shoes (well, not pregnant, but it was easier!!!). It was such a thrill to see the changes, and it was so motivating. Being able to wear tailored pants that you can tuck shirts into - marvelous! Shopping in the regular women's department instead of the plus sizes for the first time in years. Most significantly, even when my days were just not going right, remembering that one thing was going well: I was losing weight, and it was fabulous.

What happens when the weight is gone or almost gone? Physically, you feel great. Mentally, you feel much better, but you are not used to being a normal-sized person. You still think you are fat. You are afraid to wear form-fitting clothing. When Kuffel finally fits into a beautiful suit that is a size 10, she says, “Tall, black hair gone cranky, my eyes a bright navy blue and my complexion unsallowed from the flattering color, the blazer buttoned so that it showed my waist. This time, I said it: two words I had never, ever said out loud, stripped of ‘someday I think I could be,’ to another person. ‘I’m pretty.’” It’s so hard to realize that you really do look different than you used to, to realize that people who meet you for the first time think that you are a normal person, and to think that just possibly you might look good. When Kuffel gets a manicure, she says, “I hadn’t even considered it when I was fat and it was too mysterious to wrap my already-crazed brain around in my thinitude. It was a Girl Thing I vaguely wondered if I…deserved.” I’ve never had a manicure, but mostly I think it’s because my fingernails have never grown particularly well anyway, and I’m just too cheap to spend the $. However, the ladies of our church gave me a European pedicure for a baby shower gift, and I am really looking forward to it. It somehow seems fitting – a symbol of really being a normal woman, of caring more about my appearance even down to my feet. I’m still working on this. I’m still afraid to wear sleeveless clothing, but I’m doing it anyway. Part of me is not sure it looks good, but I am learning to trust my husband and friends who reassure me that it is OK. This is a journey that is fun, even though it is sometimes still scary.

Finally, at the end of her book, Kuffel looks back on where she has been, “How many recoveries did I think I had in me? None. I’d never recovered, and I certainly didn’t get thin by yanking the wherewithal out of myself. What I’d gotten came from other people…my brother would call it God.” I was a little disappointed that she doesn’t recognize the grace of God more in her recovery, but I’m not sure she totally discounts it either. Looking back, I can certainly say that I didn’t have any recoveries in me. I was floundering and lost. Yes, I exercised willpower, but it’s been so different than the other times that I did the same. I don’t know what was different this time, and can only credit the grace and mercy of God. I will still need it for the journey ahead, because addictions like this are a lifetime struggle, but all I can do is cling to the hope that I have in what God has already done and what can still be.

Baby update

Baby is now scheduled to arrive on June 23rd, instead of June 24th. It seems that the residents at the hospital are graduating the evening of the 23rd, so coverage to help w/surgery will be better on the 23rd. Okee dokee, I guess. Loren wasn't thrilled because he'll need to take one more day off of work, and we're going to have to figure out something different for child care, but I'm OK with it.

Hey, anyone want to help take care of Calvin during the day on the 23rd, 24th, or 25th? We had someone lined up for the 24th, but they may be able to dot he 23rd if that's better for any of you folks out there who wanna give us a hand.

This means there are only 4 wks and 1 day left!

I must be on a blogging tear tonight. After not blogging for several weeks, I suppose the thoughts have been pent-up and waiting to explode through my fingers and keyboard onto the www.

Things have been so busy here that I've hardly had time to think, which is not good. Between work crazyness, Guild auditions for my piano students & their recital, and being sick, I have just been insane. I want things to SLOW down for just a bit so I can catch my breath. Fortunately we're going to visit some friends in Vegas this weekend, and though we hate Vegas with a mad purply passion, we love our friends and haven't seen them in a couple years. I am looking forward to a few days away from home, because when I'm home I usually think of 29 things to do instead of relaxing, no matter how good my intentions are.

The month of June looks to be better, overall. Work crazyness should ease with the boss going to the meeting with the now-completed poster. Piano stuff will be back to its normal dull roar. Hopefully I'm done being sick for a while. I am cultivating the skill of saying "NO" for June and July, because I'M HAVING A BABY AND SOMEONE ELSE CAN DO WHATEVER IT IS, DARN IT! I'm just practicing, but that felt good.

Time to get some rest - I'm exhausted and have an early dr appt tomorrow.

34 week belly shot

Yup, 34 weeks down and 5 to go. Actually, as of today, it's 4 weeks and 3 days, but who's counting? Baby girl is scheduled to arrive June 24th by c-section, and we are really excited. I'm in full-blown nesting mode now. I have sorted baby clothes and filed them away in the dresser, ready for use (had to move out some of Calvin's clothes to other drawers and re-arrange 2 closets to accommodate blankets, etc so I'd have room for baby girl stuff). I still need to set up the co-sleeper, but figure I've got a few weeks to do that. Also would sure like to clean out the garage. We've got to get to the back to dig the infant car seat and bouncy seat out anyhow, so might as well clean up the mess in there while we're at it.

Anyway, I love this picture, mostly because I really love this little black dress :) even though I am still not used to baring my arms and it does make me feel a little funny to wear sleeveless stuff. 

Thanks for the great baby shower!

Thx to all the New Song ladies who came to my shower and got me such cute gifts. And the pedicure... a stroke of genius to give the pg lady who can hardly reach her feet a foot pampering treat. Special thanks to my wonderful friend Sarah M for hosting :)!

I like this picture a lot because I see in it a NORMAL (i.e. NOT heavy) woman who is 34 weeks pregnant. I am indebted to Sara Z for helping me to realize that I actually do look normal now, which is amazing after being heavy for so long.

Sick again

Yup, we have all been sick here. It's not been fun. Loren was really sick Monday and took the day off work... Calvin was still getting over it, so he was grumpy. I got it Tuesday and felt awful. To top it off, I had this work project that would NOT go easily. I was making a poster for my boss to take to a meeting, and the computer corrupted my file once when I was saving it, and then the software has some glitch that causes it to keep ruining the file for editing when you save it under a different name or save it to an .eps file for printing. Anyway, the short and the long of it is that I worked a full day Tuesday while feeling like total garbage. Then I came home and Loren still felt ill too (he had come home early sick). We somehow managed to care for Calvin long enough to get him into bed for the night.

Today has been slightly better. I didn't go to work (I actually did finish the poster yesterday, so it was possible to stay home) and felt better this afternoon. Now I'm starting to feel crummy again. Sore throat is coming back and I'm dreading another night like last night. I was up every hour because my stupid throat hurt. I have an OB appt tomorrow morning at 7:30 am so I guess if it keeps me up again at least I can have the doc check it out for me.

Thanks, ladies

Loved our women's Bible study last night. I was feeling pretty discouraged about my place at New Song as a musician and they were very helpful. Though I enjoy the band music a lot and like working with everyone, I feel pretty much like a fish out of water. I don't really do the style they do very well, and it feels like a huge stretch every week. I'm going to take June & July off because of the upcoming new arrival in our family, and I think that will help me regain some perspective, get some rest, adn feel better about things.

Anyway, thanks, ladies, for your support and listening ears. I really appreciate you!!!!

Piano recital

My students' recital was tonight, and they did pretty well. I'm watching the video (sort of, since I'm reading blogs, e-mail, and typing this) while I download it into my computer. I'm going to make them all a DVD so they can review their performances before Guild auditions. Maybe watching themselves on tape will help them see/hear things that I keep telling them about that they don't seem to change. Mostly they are doing really well, but there are certain things I tell them over and over that don't sink in. Ah well, they are young yet. Anyway, there were some great moments of success, and some spectacular OOPS moments too. The thing that is neat, though, is hearing the improvement they are all making over time - they are so much better than last year or the year before.

Today - on the front page of the Deseret News

Our lab continues to be in the news with this article today:

http://deseretnews.com/dn/view/0,1249,635205029,00.html

Our lab was on TV!

The Odelberg Lab was on TV last night because there was a press release about a new grant we just got from DARPA (Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency). The grant is for research into limb regeneration in newts and also in mammals, with the eventual goal being regeneration in humans.

Anyway, if you're interested, the links below will take you to a story and a video clip. You'll need Real Player to watch the video. Have fun!

http://www.ksl.com/?sid=243911&nid=148

http://real.ksl.com/video/slc/1/108/10852.ram

Noticing

People are really starting to notice that I'm pregnant, which makes me really happy. Last time I was too fat for people to tell (yikes, how embarrassing!) but this time that is not the case. I am really really really enjoying the rewards from all the hard work on WW! I actually can't wait to go back and finish losing the rest.

Speaking of pregnancy, I can hardly believe that I have less than 8 weeks left now. I am really excited to "meet" my little girl. She is kicking right now, so maybe she's excited to meet me too?

Mother's Day

Is in 2 weeks. Yikes. I figured out what to do for my mom, though. In case she is actually reading this (hi mom!), I'm not going to say what it is, but I'm actually MAKING something for her. Wow. I was inspired by this Garrison Keillor article. I'm not a poet, so I'm not writing anything, but it is still creative :). I hope she will like it.

Must post more often

If I don't post more, no one is going to read this. I guess that shouldn't matter, but it sorta does. I think that I feel like I have to post some major magnum opus every time or something, and I have this idea that it's going to take a long time to post every time. I have resolved to do better before and didn't, but maybe this time???

Spring is here!

Yeah! It's been beautiful this week. Before I hit the sack, here are some photos I took from our house.

Sick and pregnant

This is NOT a good combination. Pregnancy takes a lot out of a person as it is. Today I have been SICK. Lying on the couch all day kind of sick. Went to work for 1.5 hrs but came home ASAP because I was VERY ill. Thing is, I thought I was OK enough to work when I went in, but promptly discovered that I was NOT. I am really nauseous, have lots of heartburn, and have hardly had any appetite all day. Plus I'm super weak, dizzy, and sleepy. Sitting is better than lying down, because of the heartburn, but being on the computer for the past hour has taken its toll and I think I need to hit the sack. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Update

It's been a while since I've blogged. Things have been pretty good here. Here's the general update:

Loren - doing well w/his job. They are moving him to another building next week, which he is excited about. He thinks that will be a more stimulating environment.

Tammy - getting larger at 28 weeks 6 days pregnant. Still feeling pretty good, and all is well with the pregnancy. Passed the glucose screen this week (in fact, it was low!).

Calvin - had his 18 month appt this week and is 24 lb (25th %ile) and 33 inches tall (75th %ile). Got some shots and was a bit under the weather the next day, but seems to have recovered.

Calvin is having a drink w/the guys (Danny and Eric are in our Sunday Night Fellowship). 

random stuff

What's on my mind, you ask? Well, one thing is that I've now gained 10 lbs. It's hard to see the scale inching up, even though it's supposed to. I worked so hard to lose all that weight, and now to put it back on again is hard. Of course, I'm pretty hungry and seem to need to eat a lot, so that makes it easy. I just hope that I'm exercising some self-control along the way and staying reasonable about it. The other day I caught myself thinking, "Why should I exercise when I'm just going to gain weight anyway?". Yikes. Nipped that one in the bud pretty quickly - of course I still need to exercise or I'll gain MORE weight. Plus I want to stay fit and healthy, and exercise is part of that. I've been good about it - still walking 4x/wk (or aerobics if the weather's bad) and weight training 3x/wk.

I have a dr appt tomorrow, which I'm looking forward to. I don't know why, since they're routine and it's the same thing every time... urine test for sugar/protein, blood pressure, measure fundal height, check my weight, and listen for baby's heartbeat. I still like it, perhaps because each visit is bringing me closer to holding my little girl.

Calvin just woke from his nap and is crying a bit. He will probably settle down and play for a little while if I let him. It's traumatic to wake up! Anyway, he is learning LOTS of new stuff every day - he understands more and more words and is learning more baby signs all the time. He's a joy to be around (for the most part) and we love watching him learn. His latest thing is to sign "hat" and bring me his hat when he wants to go outside. If I don't get the hint, he stands by the door and looks at me expectantly. It's really cute.

Well, he's not calming down, so I'd better go and rescue him and give him a big hug. More later.

Snow was cool :)

I have to admit that my first thought when I saw the snow accumulating this morning was despair. I worried about Loren and Calvin driving to day care in it. I cursed winter because I am sick of it. But, gloom has a way of turning to joy sometimes, and that's what happened today. I turned on the TV to see just how bad the roads were, and they were VERY bad. The reporter said that the east bench (where Calvin's day care is) got "slammed". That, and seeing that I-80 was closed in Parley's Canyon and that it was covered with snow at 700 East, settled it for me. There was NO way I was letting Loren drive Calvin to day care in that in our little Geo Metro - not with SUVs with 4WD thinking they can drive 70 mph in said conditions. So, I called in a snow day to work, and stayed home with il Calvino. When daddy left, Calvin was motioning "hat" to me, and when I put his hat on, he banged on the front door to go outside. OK, OK... we'll go outside. I had to shovel, anyway. We had a blast outside; click here for some pics and videos of our adventures.

Another belly shot

 

Belly shot

Latest belly shot at 23 weeks 2 days:
I think I finally look pregnant! 

Women's group

I love our group - it's so great. People are very supportive of one another and I feel like we're beginning to share more and feel safe doing so. I love it (yeah, yeah, already said that, but it's so true)!

I really appreciate the kindness of 2 Saras this week - Sara #1 told me yesterday that I looked beautiful like Arwen in my new maternity shirt. Wow, what a compliment! It made me feel so good. Thank you!!!! Sara #2 also told me that I look really beautiful and complimented my face & hair, etc. I feel very loved. What woman doesn't love to be told that she looks good? Thank you again, Saras!!! Our church (www.newsong.org) rocks. Where else could I meet people like this?

It's a girl!

They say this means it's a girl. They seemed pretty darn sure. We'll get to see her again in a few weeks so we can check once more.

Baby pics!

Face (looking at us!)

Profile

Here she is in profile.

Slowing down

The weather was actually tolerable outside this morning (32 degrees, no rain or snow, and the roads are clear) so I did a 3.75 mile walk around SugarHouse park. I have to say that the pregnancy apprears to be slowing me down. Keeping my usual heart rate for walks (135-140), I didn't walk nearly as fast as pre-pregnancy. I used to do about a 12 min mile (12:30 if I had a slow day), but today I averaged a 13:20 mile. Same heart effort... less distance in the same time. I guess that's what happens when your body is working to support a little one.

Speaking of little one, I've become a bit of a medical novelty. I wrote about it in my last post, but since then my reproductive endocrinologist (i.e. infertility specialist) has considered the matter as well. I e-mailed him simply because I thought he might find my case to be interesting, given that I am carrying a baby of 18 (well, now 19) weeks gestational age when I thought I was only 14 weeks by my charts. He did think it was interesting, but his first impression was that the ultrasound must be wrong. He and some colleagues looked at my charts and all agreed that something is weird - and that maybe the u/s was off (of course, it would have to be off by a LOT...). So he called the radiologist who read my u/s and she was adamant that the measurements were good and that I am really 18 weeks. He called me and said that it sure is a head scratcher and that it really does look to him like somehow I am 18 weeks, despite my charts. I'm glad my docs agree, and now, hey, I'm a really interesting case, too! The infertility doc said that if I ever get pregnant again he wants to be there (I hope he didn't mean that literally! :)!). Since we're not really planning on another, I guess he won't get the chance.

I'm back! With exciting news, too!!!!

OK, it's been quite the couple of days. Sunday I had some pain in my lower left abdomen, and it got worse as the day went on - much worse. At night it was tough to sleep because it hurt badly enough to awaken me in the middle of the night. I had been coughing a lot from the stinking cold that Calvin gave me, and Loren thought that it was possible I had a hernia. So, Monday morning I called my OB and went in. He didn't think it was a hernia because the pain was higher than he thought it should be, but he did think it possibly could be an ovarian cyst. He ordered an ultrasound, and I had that done early Monday afternoon. It showed nothing as far as the ovary (thankfully), and while they were there, they did a thorough ultrasound on the baby as well. We found out two interesting things: 1) It's a girl! (At least they're pretty sure...) and 2) She is measuring at 18 weeks 2 days even though by my reckoning (which should be pretty darn accurate because of my charting for infertility) I am 14 weeks 4 days pregnant. This is pretty weird, so I called the OB and we scheduled an appt for today to talk about it. Turns out that the ultrasound at this point in pregnancy is very accurate for dating purposes. He knows that my history and my charts are accurate, and that my expected due date should be what I think - but given the measurements of the baby, he thinks the best explanation is that I conceived a month before I thought I did and that I actually had a period while pregnant. Strange but true. Apparently it's possible that the maternal hypothalamic signals are strong enough to trigger menstruation even though the embryo is sending out signals of its own, and somehow the embryo can survive all of this and voila! I'm 4 weeks MORE pregnant than I thought.

My only concern at this point is the following: what if the ultrasound is wrong? Well, Dr. S says that we'll get 1-2 more ultrasounds and see what they say. If they all agree, we'll assume they're correct. If not, we can always have an amniocentesis done at the very end of pregnancy and they can test for lung maturity in the baby before doing the C-section. I am reassured by these measures, so on we go. Hey, I get to hold my baby 4 weeks earlier, so I'm happy!!! Plus she looks perfectly healthy and normal by all the measures on the ultrasound. I'm really thankful that all is well, even if my head is spining a bit with the news.

NEW WINE COMING!!!

Wal-Mart has announced that they will soon be offering customers a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for cheap wine," said Kathy Micken, director of marketing. She continued, "But the right name is important." Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart brand. The top surveyed names in popularity are:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc

9. White Trashfindel

8. Big Red Gulp

7.World Championship Riesling

6. NASCARbernet

5. Chef Boyardeaux

4. Peanut Noir

3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!

2. Grape Expectations

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine...

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either
white meat(Possum), or red meat (Squirrel).

(Thanks, Dad, for the joke!!!)

Tree trimming and such

Today was tree trimming day. Or, go broke while watching a crew of 5 guys remove about half of our trees (much needed trimming & pruning, though). It was expensive, but they did a good job and did what we needed done. The trees were too close to the power lines, the roof, the garage roof, the ground, etc. There were lots of dead branches that needed to be removed. Owning a house is great, but days like this make it an expensive proposition. Oh well, we do enjoy the shade of the trees, the convenient place to hang our hammock, and we also appreciate the fruit (pears, plums, apples, walnuts; well, maybe not the walnuts since they're just too much work to crack!) , so it's worth it.

It's nice having Loren home today. I watched Calvin/played w/him/took him grocery shopping, etc. this morning. Then after his nap (during which we watched a movie), Loren took him and has been playing with him. It's really cute to watch them together. I've been using the time to start making dinner, work on the laundry, and catch up on my blog :).

Warm today

Can't believe it - our thermometer said 60 degrees not long ago! Wow! It's the "warm before the storm" for sure, because we're supposed to get 4-10 inches of snow tomorrow. Loren, thankfully, had a huge burst of energy today and raked the smidgen of the remaining leaves, scooped dog poop, put a new headlight in the Geo, got the oil changed on the Buick, and more. Fabulous... all of that is MUCH easier before there is 4-10 inches of snow on the ground.

In turn, I managed to not go outside at all (bummer!) because I've been cleaning the house top to bottom, which is good. I also made Loren some banana split bars (mmmmmm). I might have to have one.

My piano students are here so gotta run. More later.

Thoughts about "States of Grace" - movie by Richard Dutcher

Last night we went to see a free screening of "States of Grace" by Richard Dutcher. It's billed as the sequel to "God's Army", and really is only a sequel in the sense that it's about Mormon missionaries in Los Angeles. Overall, the movie was very well-done (though occasionally the pace was a bit slow), and I personally found it to be moving and thought-provoking. Before I go any farther, I must thank Nate & Sara McNeil profusely for providing babysitting so we could attend --- and they had to stay an hour later than we told them for reasons detailed below. They truly went above & beyond the call of duty and we are VERY grateful.

One big disappointment was that because we only got to the movie 10 minutes before it was scheduled to start, we had to wait over an hour to get into a second theater and then wait another 30 min for them to finish dubbing another copy of the movie (hello??? preparation anyone???). So, we missed the panel discussion slated to follow the movie (it was over when we finished watching), which was (for me) at least half of the reason to go. Fortunately, Richard Dutcher did address us before the movie, and hosted an informative Q&A that at least somewhat made up for missing the panel discussion.

I'm NOT a movie reviewer or huge movie buff (though my husband is!), so I'm not going to structure this like a review. It's not. I just want to ramble a bit about things I liked/didn't like/things that made me think/questions I have.

Things I liked:
1. Dutcher really puts a lot of thought and depth into the characters. As he explained to us before the movie, he doesn't shy away from Mormon characters who have flaws more serious than "feeling down sometimes". He's not into presenting a falsely squeaky-clean image of Mormons, but rather portrays them as real human beings that (gasp!) non-Mormons can relate to.
2. (Closely related to the previous point.) I learned more about why Mormons are so darn worried and amazingly insecure about what everyone thinks of Utah. I've been here 6 1/2 years now (so maybe I should have learned some of this before???) and have noticed that the image the LDS church puts out is always this pristine, perfectly-scripted, masterpiece of PR. Not only that, but articles in even the "independent" (non-church-owned) Salt Lake Tribune are continuously focusing on what other people think of Utah/Utahns/Utah issues. World events cannot be covered here w/o a recap of how it relates to Utah or to Utah's image or something. TV news is even more fanatic about this. Granted, I've seen this elsewhere, but not to the extent I've seen it here. Anyway, during Dutcher's Q&A I came to realize more fully that because Mormonism is so missions-minded, members are really anxious about presenting the best face possible to attract converts. Duh! Of course. (WHY did it take me 6 1/2 years to figure this out?). This theologically-based evangelical zeal has translated, culturally, into an imperative to make everything look perfect on the surface, even when it's not. (And of course it's not - Mormons are human like the rest of us - and being human means being deeply flawed (dare I say "sinful"?) by nature).
Previously, I had thought of other reasons that contribute to this cultural imperative, but they were more theological in nature. Popular Mormon theology (which is almost certainly NOT orthodox Mormon theology, according to my reading of it) seems to espouse the belief that if you perform well, God will reward you with earthly blessings and will make your life a happy and materially blessed life. If you have problems, it may be because you are slacking. So, appearing happy and perfect on the surface means that God is blessing you and that you are doing the right things. Add this to cultural pressure in Utah of living geographically close to your fellow church members (so close that they can really keep tabs on you), and there's a lot of pressure to make sure things look good. Now, granted, much of this is cultural, and not theological orthodox, as I've said, but I have personally observed it in many instances since moving here.
The bottom line is that I've added a new reason to my list for the perfect image zeal. Interestingly, it's a problem that is not limited to Mormons - any faith which espouses proselytizing is vulnerable to it, mine included. I admit there have been times when I have tried to put on a good front to make my faith look better. But ultimately, a lot of that comes from seeking man's praise rather than God's, so I have tried to focus more on loving God and neighbor and leaving it go at that. Image consciousness never works very well. It's really the opposite of truly believing in grace; the grace of God often works through us better when we're weak, showing God to be strong.
This was a long point, but this is what I liked about the movie and the Q&A - it made me think a lot about important stuff.
3. The movie did make me think about grace, an important theme in the movie. Regardless of whether one thinks Richard Dutcher or Mormons have a correct understanding of grace or not (see discussion below under "Thinks I disliked"), the theme here was undeniable. No matter what one has done, no matter how bad ("sinful") you have been, you are never beyond the reach of the love and grace of God in Jesus Christ (and some of the movie's characters really blew it!).
4. I really liked that the movie had as one of its major points that Mormons and non-Mormons have a lot to learn from each other. As a non-Mormon Christian, I often feel like Mormons think that their faith is just my faith plus more stuff. (I disagree... I think that our faiths are pretty different at the core). I don't often feel like they are really interested in what I believe, or feel they have much to learn from my beliefs. The movie had several key moments in which Mormons learned some important concepts/truths from non-Mormons. Especially interesting was the use of a cross necklace at one point in the movie - when asked about it in the panel discussion (heard this from a friend since I couldn't go), Dutcher said that he really appreciates the symbolism of the cross and wishes Mormons would appreciate it more.

Things I disliked:
1. Sometimes the plot got a bit slow. Maybe a bit more editing might have helped things move along at points. Mostly it wasn't a problem, just sometimes. It's not like you'll be bored watching this movie.
2. Some scenes seemed a bit contrived or overly sentimental to me. The scene of Carl's confirmation intertwined with the murder of another character was in some respects very artfully and beautifully done - but I found myself thinking about the artistry during the scene, and it took away a bit from the drama/emotion of the moment. At the same time, I did like that scene, because it was very artistic. I wonder if there is a way to keep the artistry more subtle? Maybe not. The final scene seemed overly sentimental - a lot of audience members obviously really liked it, and I liked the idea behind it (don't want to spoil the film so can't say much more here), but the way it was carried out was a little too gooshy for me.
3. The movie seemed to imply as one of its major themes (didn't think about this until later when Loren pointed it out to me) that the Jesus worshipped by Mormons, Lutherans, Pentecostals, Baptists, Catholics, etc. is the same Jesus. Honestly, I would love to believe that Mormons believe in the same Jesus I do, but given my earlier book review of Bob Millet's book "A Different Jesus?", I just can't go there. The movie studiously avoids any controversial issues which would distinguish the Mormon Jesus from the Jesus I believe in. The ultimate nature of who God is and who man is never comes up, and neither does the central Mormon doctrine of eternal progression. Clearly, Dutcher wants to unify and not to divide, and this is why he does this. The problem is that you can't unify people without discussing the issues that they believe divide them.
4. The concept of grace cannot be divorced (in my opinion) from the nature of God and the idea of eternal progression in Mormon thought. This means that even though I really liked the presentation of grace in the movie, I am not ready to say that the Mormon concept of grace matches my own. To me, the worldview that humans are "gods in embryo" and are on earth as a time of mortal probation takes away from the idea of grace as undeserved, unmerited favor. If anything you do at all is contributing to your justification (or whatever you want to call it), then grace is not grace. I know Mormons believe they are powerless w/o the atonement of Christ, but nesting this in the concept of eternal progression ruins it for me. I could write pages on this and probably not articulate it clearly enough, so I'll stop here.

Would love to write more, but am really out of time. Please do comment!

Ramblings

Calvin is happily playing for the moment, so I'm going to try a brief post, if he'll let me.

Last Thursday was a VERY cool day. I had my first doctor appointment this pregnancy w/my OB/Gyn and we got to hear the baby's heartbeat! That has got to be one of the best moments in pregnancy - hearing the baby's heartbeat for the first time. It just doesn't seem very real before that, as you're not bigger yet - you're just sick/queasy/tired. But once I hear that little heart beating, it just seems easier to imagine a baby growing inside. Very cool.

It was a pretty good weekend. Got some good relaxation inbetween teaching piano students, raking the leaves in the back yard (that was a big job but had to be done before it snowed again, which it did on Sunday!), helping my friend Ye paint her kitchen cabinets, going to church, etc. Loren and I enjoyed watching football and a fluffy but entertaining Disney movie called Sky High.

Today I'm catching up on grocery shopping & laundry & finances, and I have the usual slew of piano students this afternoon. Tonight I'm planning on going to women's Bible study group, which for some odd reason is now starting at 7 pm again... very hard for me to get to since my students leave at 6:45 or so. Guess I'll be late. At least dinner is simmering away in the crock pot - "Ultimate Split Pea Soup" which is really yummy.

Calvin's playing the piano now - so cute! He just likes to bang on it, but mommy can always hope it means he's a budding young musician :).

Hey, I'm actually posting

But probably no one reads this now since I've been so irregular. Well, maybe if I put some EXCITING news in here people will start to read it?!? Maybe most of the regulars who read this page already know. Maybe not. But the news is: we're expecting baby #2 on July 27th! I've been feeling exceptionally tired and so perhaps that's why the posting has slowed down. Perhaps not... maybe that's just an excuse. Anyway, I'm almost 11 weeks along and we have our first dr appt on Thursday - hoping to hear the baby's heartbeat. That will be exciting, since the beginning of pregnancy is long and tiring and it's hard to imagine that it's real until you hear that little heart beating.

The nice thing was that we were able to conceive relatively easily - we tried 2 different drugs, and the first (clomiphene) was a bust, but then we tried bromocriptine (which worked to give us Calvin), and even though my prolactin wasn't high this time, it worked wonderfully the FIRST month! Needless to say, we were thrilled. It's actually pretty convenient to have to take a pill to get pregnant (wouldn't it be great if everyone could just do that? no more unwanted babies!), especially when it works well for you and you know which one to try. We don't think we want any more kids after #2, but if we did, we would know what medication to use.

In other news, our Hawaii pics are now up at www.kaminy.net - just click the camera and then click Hawaii under the December 2005 pics section. There are LOTS of pics, so enjoy the ones that look interesting to you and don't bother w/the rest.

It's not that late (8 pm) but I'm super tired so I think I'll curl up with a book --- goodnight!

We're back!

Let's just say it was a GLORIOUS 10 days in Hawaii... and now I'm too tired to write much else. More later :) 

Long time no post

OK, I've been busy. Very busy with company. Lame excuse, I know, but it's really true. We enjoyed our friends' visit and Loren's mom's visit, but it did make life hectic on both ends - preparing for their arrival and then getting back to normal after they left.

So what's been happening? Well, I did get my 75 lb magnet!!! As of 11/19/05 my total weight lost was 77.0 lb!!! Loren graciously bought me an iPod nano as a present to celebrate this great milestone. He has been so supportive, I feel like I should give HIM a prize too. Well, I guess he gets to enjoy the new me, which is pretty cool I suppose!

Our vocal ensemble did really well on Sunday morning, and I really am having a good time w/them. They are all talented, learn quickly, and work well together.

I'm exhausted so I'm not going to stay up too much longer typing this, but I did want to post this very goofy link from my brother (he always finds the weirdest stuff!):

<>Please don't EVER do this to your house.
http://members.cox.net/transam57/lights.wmv

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ (be patient, it takes a while to load)

Here's more on how they did it:
http://www.snopes.com/photos/arts/xmaslights.asp

Yeah!!!

We had enough people to do vocal ensemble tonight!!! Yeah!!! We had 2 sopranos, 2 altos, 1 tenor, and 2 basses. One of the basses won't be able to sing for church, but still - we have enough people to do it. Now we need to pray for everyone to stay healthy. Maybe I can talk Loren into singing tenor... he can't come to the rehearsal unless we get a babysitter, but I could work with him privately and then he could still sing.

Progress for the week

Thank you, stomach flu! I lost 3.8 lb! Of course, since 1/2 of that is probably water, I most likely won't lose much this week. But that's OK, since I'll know why. Total to date now is 74.0 lb lost!!!

mmmmmm....

Beer! (Not really... the bottle is empty!). Calvin thought this bottle was the BEST toy ever. Photo taken at the Odelberg lab party last night.

We ate at Bangkok Classic Thai at 850 S. State - an AMAZING restaurant. You really have to try it sometime. Cheap & delicious at the same time. 

Skinny Cow Ice Cream

ROCKS!!! I just LOVE their ice cream sandwiches. The only problem is that it's hard to stop at just one. But they are really great and only 2 points!!!

Musings on vocal ensemble

We had a great practice tonight... all 3 of us (including me). The other two people were DIFFERENT people than the 3 people that showed up last week. That's good, since that means there were 2 more people, but bad because we need more continuity or this isn't going to work. The other good thing is that all of the 5 people (besides me) that have showed up have been pretty darn good. We have sounded pretty great with just a few of us, so if everyone shows up, it will be good. Of course, it would help to have one more tenor, another alto, and another bass. So, if you're a New Song type reading this, and can come at all, please show up next Wed at 7:30 pm at church. If everyone comes next week, this will fly. If not... maybe we'll have to consider other options. So BE THERE!!!

Way cool

This is really cool - you could (and I have) waste a LOT of time here:

http://earth.google.com/

My brother showed me, a while back. I thought I'd spread the time-wasting around a bit!

Where did the week go?

It has NOT been a week since I blogged. Sigh... it has. In fact, it's been 8 days.

What has happened?
1. I lost 2.2 more lb for a total of 70.2! See before & after here.
2. So far, the latest infertility treatment seems to be doing OK. Have to wait another week to see if it's going to lenghthen my luteal phase.
3. Vocal ensemble went great last week at New Song, though we needed MORE PEOPLE. If you are reading this and are interested, COME TO PRACTICE tomorrow (Wed) at 7:30 pm at the church.
4. We enjoyed a relaxing weekend, even if the 49ers did LOSE, again. The football was fairly entertaining, the food was good, etc.
5. I actually got in a hot bath on Monday while Calvin was napping. That was beyond heavenly. Probably better than a lot of Haagen-Dazs ice cream w/chocolate sauce. We use our jacuzzi tub fairly regularly (every week or two) but I'm thinking twice a week would be better.
6. Women's Bible study was great Monday night. Sara did a fantastic job facilitating. Thanks, Sara!

Theoretically, my friend Sherry is coming over soon and we're going to make soap. I've never done that before, so it should be fun. I only say theoretically because it's now 7:15 and she was going to come at 7. Maybe she forgot? If she did, I'm definitely going to take a BATH!!! Calvin just went down right before I started typing this, so I'm free for the evening :)!

Something lighter...

a funny my brother sent me - this is almost enough to cheer me up:

http://www.engrish.com/
explore the whole site - hilarious

some of my faves:

TP directions - hahahaha!
interesting machine
elmo has some issues
scary... very scary
just truly bizarre
computer illiterate
wow, do they have some branding problems
akin to one I saw "do not put in dishmasher"

Why do I feel blah?

I was having a really great day until maybe 5 pm. Then things just sort of began to disintegrate. Calvin was fairly grumpy today because he's teething, but that didn't really bother me too much. The tree trimming guy quoted $$$$ to trim our 5 fruit trees (it was a fair quote, but it's just a lot of work and more $$$ than I thought), but I did OK w/that too. I was just sort of taking it all in stride. But then this afternoon I was VERY hungry and I was teaching so I just had to wait for dinner... and my piano students seemed more challenging than usual, probably because of Halloween, etc. So when I finally finished teaching and got to eat, I was moody and irritated and snapping at Loren and Calvin for no reason. Calvin didn't want to try the very delicious split pea soup I made, which made me irrationally annoyed. Loren pointed out that he's a baby and doesn't know that he needs to try different foods, which was very true. Anyway... so then I was still cleaning up when the ladies from the Bible study began to arrive. I had made some cupcakes, but frankly, they were terrible, and no one liked them, including me. So now I have some weird complex that everyone thinks I'm a terrible cook (which is totally absurd) and a lousy hostess, and I know it's not true, but I'm in this bizarre funk, so I can't stop thinking ridiculous thoughts. I guess I was feeling this way a bit last night too. I'm not sure what the deal is, but it's annoying and I want it to GO AWAY. Usually I don't feel so insecure, but lately, I am just a basket case. Why? What is going on? So, if you read this and you're a praying person, please pray that I'll snap out of it or something. It's very self-absorbed and icky. Thanks in advance.

Boring & selfish. That's not good.

I was reading my posts (I know, I said I'm done posting for the night, but I changed my mind) and decided that they are boring. Pointless. Obsessed about the same things over & over. I mean, why does anybody but me care about my repeated rantings about food, WW, my son, and my IF problems? I should be more outwardly-focused. How boring can I be? Navel-gazing 35 year old mother writes blather about things that seem important at the time. No significant thought whatsoever. This has GOT to change. Like, yeah right, it's going to change when the daily routine of diapers, laundry, part-time work, cooking, cleaning, etc. is not going to let up... but I certainly hope it can be different. I do actually think about weighty theological matters. I read a variety of interesting books... yet not much of that has made it on here. And this post itself is more of the same inwardly-focused blather.

I'm very thankful that at least God has not given up on me - I truly believe that God really is, for whatever reason (he loves me!?) fixing me up from the inside out, and there is hope for change and new life. That sounds really trite, but I really mean it, so bear with the lack of more sophisticated language to convey what I'm feeling.

Trying to do better

OK, I've been really BAD about blogging lately. I think that it's going to take so long, and so I don't do it. I'm going to try to do better. I really do enjoy getting things out and airing out my head (does that mean I'm an airhead?), so I will make myself remember that it's not that hard. In fact, I'm only going to spend 4 more minutes on this now so I'll remember how easy & fast it is.

Progress for the week: -0.6 lb. Total: -68.2 lb. Slower than I'd like, but I'm really going to kick things into high gear this week and try to break this plateau, whether it's medication-induced or not. I'm super motivated.

On the IF front, things are moving slowly... but that's OK. We talked the doc into letting us try the drug that worked to give us Calvin, so we'll see how it goes. Had the usual couple-3 days of morning nausea when I started it, but that seems better now that I've been taking it for a week, so we should be good to give this a fair shot. I won't know until probably mid-Nov or Thanksgiving if it's working right, and maybe not until next cycle since I started taking it later than is ideal this time. I did read some papers that indicated that this might have some utility, so I'm hopeful.

OK, my 4 minutes is up, so I'll write more tomorrow. :) Really, I will!

The week in review

Yeah, I let this go rather long w/o posting. Some weeks are just like that. Calvin is happily playing on the couch right now, so I might have a short time, or I might have a long time to post right now.

The weight loss for the week was 1.6 lb, almost making up for the 2 lb gain last week. I feel on track, so that's good, and my motivation is still high. I was worried I'd get discouraged by my gain, and I did a little bit, but I figured the alternative is to be fat again, so I'd better keep on keeping on. I want to have a healthy lifestyle, darn it!

In the infertility department, things are not so great. The latest drug we tried, clomiphene, didn't really work that well. It did cause ovulation, but then the luteal phase (the time between ovulation and the start of the next cycle) was only 6 days instead of 12-16, which is pretty much what was happening before we had Calvin. So, now we're back to the same ol' problem. Wheeee. Am still waiting to hear what the doc has to say about this latest wrinkle. Hopefully will hear something tomorrow.

Let's see, what else was new this week? Calvin continues to astound us with new discoveries. This week he said "dada" and "baby", specifically, as well as pointing out to me the "doggie" across the street in the neighbor's yard. That was pretty cool. He's getting more opinionated about what he should be able to play with, and when he gets into stuff he shouldn't, he gets pretty mad when mommy or daddy intervenes. Fortunately, the fits are short-lived and he's still easily distracted w/something else.

Speaking of Calvin, he's now demanding my attention, big time... I'd better go.

Progress of 2 types

First, the bad news. I gained 2 lb this week. I was totally following the WW program and did not cheat. However, I am taking a medication that has made me very bloated & nasty feeling, and I'm sure the weight gain is from that. I am determined to stick with things and keep going, and not let this bother me.

Now, the fantastic news! I entered the U of U Young Alumni 5K run/walk/stroll. I decided to take Calvin and push him in the stroller, because it would be fun for both of us. Because I've been doing lots of aerobic (read: very very fast) walking, I decided to walk the race. I thought if I did under 40 min that would be good, and if I got 36-37 min I would be especially pleased. Well, I surpassed my expectations, finishing in 34:59!!! As I crossed the finish line, they told me I was 3rd place in the female stroller division! WOW! I have never won ANYTHING for any athletic pursuit, EVER. I am so thrilled and excited. I had no idea they were giving prizes for people pushing strollers, either. I just wanted to do it. Anyway, I won a 3rd place ribbon and a really cool Utes umbrella (shaped like a football helmet!).

More thoughts on addiction

Chapter 2 of Addictions: A Banquet in the Grave

This chapter covers a very difficult subject. The title says it all: "Sin, Sickness, or Both?". My knee-jerk reaction when reading that question is "Both, of course!". But Welch makes a pretty persuasive case that addiction is a sin, albeit a complex one. The biblical teaching on drunkenness ("the prototype of all addictions") is that "it is always called sin, never sickness...Scripture is unwavering in this teaching and relentless in its illustrations...it is a lordship problem. Who is your master, God or your desires?"

OK, OK - but what about the loss of control the addict experiences? The familiar substance may even be physically required. Welch writes that if we do something and feel we have no control over it, or if we do something even though we do not want to do it, it seems like it shouldn't be a sin any more but rather a disease. He comes to a dilemma: "how do we reconcile the out-of-control nature of addictions and the apparently self-conscious, intentional nature of sin?" Ultimately, though, heavy drinking, or food addiction, or drug addiction, or whatever, is giving us something in return. Even the addict knows this - at a Weight Watchers meeting I attended recently, the leader asked us to think about what we were getting from food. We were then to think of how to get that same thing from something less damaging (her example was that she wanted to feel warmth and emotional comfort, so she curled up on the couch with a book, an afghan, and a hot cup of tea). For me, food definitely is giving me something, even when I hate it and don't want to overindulge, I may still do it because of the temporary reward I'm getting. It is comforting, it is pleasurable, it is an escape. It is lots of things, temporarily. For the alcoholic, there are temporary payoffs to drunkenness. Let's face it: there are pleasurable benefits to be obtained from any sin, even one that has a stranglehold on us. Welch explains, "for the addict, slavery with the object of desire is sometimes preferable to freedom without it", and "addicts make choices to pursue their addiction". I can't really speak for alcoholics or drug addicts, but for food addiction this is absolutely true. I made choices that got me into my almost 100 lb of overweight, and they were real choices. Even when the food had a compelling hold on me, it was still ultimately my choice to continue in it. Sometimes I wouldn't overindulge, proving that it was possible to make different choices. It seems to me that the disease model is not useless here (I still think it can be helpful), but that the sin model probably has a much greater utility.

Fine, that makes some sense. But what about genetics? I mean, fat runs in my family. I have a genetic predisposition to putting on weight. This argument has never been as powerful to me as the previous argument. Genetics might predispose you to something, argues Welch, but it does not determine it. "Possible physiological tendencies do not mean that self-control is impossible or that personal responsibility is diminished. They simply mean that some people must be more vigilant in situations where that sin can be easily provoked." This has always seemed to me to be right on the money.

What about cravings, though? How do you explain those? You might have the best of intentions, and then walk by Mrs. Fields and buy and consume a dozen hot chocolate chip cookies. We actually spent a whole lesson at WW recently on cravings and how to manage them. They do exist, but the reality is that our body cannot force us to do anything. Cravings can be dealt with in other ways. We may be vulnerable, Welch says, but we are not helpless in the face of them.

Why all the arguing about sin and sickness anyway? Does it really matter so much? Welch thinks it does - he says that the disease model implies that the cause is our body, while the sin model postulates a heart problem. If the weakness is merely physical, we are not motivated to change spiritually. If our problem is in our hearts, and we do not address it, then we will never get well. What are we really seeking to satisfy with our addiction? We must satisfy the longings of our hearts with something true, something permanent, and something real.

All right, but my food problem still does feel like a disease. What does Scripture say about that? Welch answers, "Sin is more than conscious choices. Like a cruel taskmaster, sin victimizes and controls us (John 8:34)...as the apostle Paul said, 'I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do (Rom 7:15)'...sin feels exactly like a disease." It feels like a disease, but it is not, because "the slavery of sin is one for which we are responsible, and we can be empowered by God's grace to turn from it."

Refresingly, Welch does not believe that addictions are simply subject to mere willpower. He writes, "If you deny the out-of-control nature of all addictions, as some Christians have done, then you assume that everyone would have the power to change himself...there would never be a sense of helplessness or a desperate need for both redemption and power through Jesus...at the same time, there will be other problems if you ignore the in-control, purposeful nature of addictions." I think he finds a great balance between them as follows, "since sin is a broad category that includes both self-conscious disobedience and victmizing slavery, find addiction on the side that emphasizes slavery." In other words, it is a sin, but it is a sin which enslaves and entangles more readily than most. The addict feels out of control, but is making sinful choices at the same time.

Finally, he adds a welcome section entitled "Back to the Dark Ages?" where he addresses the very real problem that this doctrine "has been used to bludgeon addicts". Maybe calling it sin will keep people from getting help. People are often judgmental of addicts using this theology. But that doesn't mean the theology is wrong - it means that the people who are judgmental are in the wrong. Welch explains, "The answer is not to avoid the truths of Scripture for fear that they will be misused." Rather, we must use them properly. What does this look like? "A good friend shows an addict where to find life and hope...Doctrine...must also naturally point us to Jesus Christ."

He concludes with some pointers for the addict, one of which I found very useful. When I first read this, I did feel that physical aspects of addiction were perhaps underemphasized. In response, he comments that "the goal of this chapter is not to minimize the effect of the body on addictions. Rather, it is to emphasize the role of the heart." This was extremely helpful to me, because frankly, I have come to be convicted recently through various Scriptures, life experiences, and WW meetings, that the real problem lies very deep. The center of my being needs to have a new focus, or I will exchange my food addiction for something worse, perhaps. I am renewing my desire to be changed by God's grace and to know him more. In knowing him more, may I see that only he will satisfy my longings.

Fast forward

"Did you ever feel like someone put your day on fast-forward?" I asked Loren, as we had dinner tonight. Well actually, I asked him as I quickly choked down 3 chicken tacos (delicious, despite the hurry) before women's Bible study tonight. That was my day, except for a brief time in the afternoon. Loren & I watched "This Divided State" (great documentary about Michael Moore's visit to UVSC) while Calvin napped. Other than that, it was go, go, go.

Perhaps I need to be asking myself why I feel so compelled to cram so much into every day. It's not like I feel guilty about relaxing, it's just that there is so much I think I HAVE to do RIGHT NOW that CAN'T WAIT one more minute. At least that's the thought train going 'round in my head. I mean, I like to relax as much as the next person, and I get annoyed that I have so much I HAVE TO DO that I can't relax. Then I get irritated with Loren because he does know how to relax, and why does he always get to rest when I HAVE TO WORK? But this is silly, since the only reason I am working so hard is that I am driving myself to it.

Hmmmm. This is deserving of more thought. I'll probably put it off until I have time, which means I won't do it. I do actually need to get some sleep now...

long time no post... more progress, though!

OK OK it's been 5 days. Sorry to the few who bother reading my blather. Anyway, progress for the week was another 1.8 lb gone forever. New total is 67.8 lb! I'm feeling good about that.

I was going to write about another chapter in the addictions book, but I am just too tired. I have no excuse other than that I got up earlier than usual, played the piano at church, and walked 3.75 miles today. I did rest and watch the 49ers game (why did I bother? sigh...) until 4 pm when I taught 2 piano lessons and then ate dinner & fed Calvin too. Calvin went to bed early tonight - 7 pm (yay!) so now I'm going to take a bath. A hot bath. In my jacuzzi tub. Ahhhhhh. And I'm going to read a great book I bought called The Mother Tongue by Bill Bryson. It's a very interesting history of English with lots of tidbits thrown in. He's a great writer, so I'm really enjoying it a lot. I only have 20 other books I want to read on my bookshelf in my room (the nightstand isn't big enough to hold my reading projects!) but they will have to wait. I'm reading this one first!!!

An interesting day

There is a Chinese curse that says "May you live in interesting times". Well, yesterday was interesting. I went to the RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) to get some help with trying to conceive baby #2, and had to wait for an hour for him to show up. He was stuck in surgery, so it's not like he could help it, but it was still annoying, esp. because we had Calvin with us (we wanted him to see Calvin since he helped us conceive the first time). I had an ultrasound to see what was going on, and it turns out that absolutely nothing is going on. No decent follicles, not much endometrial lining, etc. My body just doesn't seem to be having a clue about what it is supposed to be doing. That was a bummer. So, since my prolactin level was normal (it was high before, and taking meds to lower it led straight to Calvin!), we're going to try clomiphene, a drug that makes you ovulate. Basically, it fools your brain into thinking you don't have any estrogen around, and that causes GnRH release and then LH release and ovulation. Ta-da! We'll see what happens. It does have a 5-10% risk of twins if you do get pregnant. Yikes. Well, I'm just not going to worry about that right now.

So the appointment was OK except for being late, but then I left the office and proceeded to hit the edge of a tire on a large curb (how stupid can I get?) and flattened it thoroughly. Loren was there and tried to change the tire, but one of the bolts on the wheel broke off and one of the lug nuts was misshapen. So, we had to call AAA and get a tow. Several hours later (after feeding Calvin cookies from a vending machine at the repair shop because I didn't bring food for that long), Loren picked us up after he got off of work. An hour later, the car was fixed and we were able to go get it. I did make it home in time to teach my 5:30 pm piano students, which was good.

Anyway, everything came out fine in the end, but it was an interesting day, to be sure.

Calvin's birthday party

Wow, this was lots of fun. It was hilarious watching Calvin and his friends play with all his new toys. I think maybe I had more fun watching him play with them than he had playing with them. He got some great toys and beautiful clothes, he enjoyed playing with his cake, and the adults enjoyed watching and eating yummy food. I'll post some more pictures on our web site soon.

Nubby ball from Mommy & Daddy 

Mouse race cars from Mommy & Daddy 

Just one of the very cute Gymboree outfits from Great Grandpa North and Great Uncle Ed & Aunt Kate 

Animal pop-up toy from the Hausams 

Ball toss from Grandma & Grandpa Wright 

Raggedy Andy from Great Grandma Wright 

Shape sorter from the Jorgensens 

The ball popper was a very popular gift from the Mauldens! All the kids swarmed it.

Lego bus from Valerie & Nayra 

The food 

The train cake

Calvin and the cake: before the destruction begins. 

After...need I say more?

Progress for the week

Yesterday was really busy w/Calvin's birthday party and then small group at night, so I didn't post my progress. But I did really well last week - I lost 2.4 lb for a total of 66.0 lb!!! I got another 5-lb star to add to my collection. I figure I've got about 29 lb to go now. The goal is within reach... probably by February or March, I hope.