Some "weighty" thinking

Church was great last week. It propelled me forward into some deep thinking. We were talking about the nature of (gasp!) SIN in our adult Sunday school class. It was a great discussion, because it made me think about the horrible struggles I had for about 10 years (heck, maybe 15...20?) with gluttony. I knew what I was doing was bad for my body, and I knew it was definitely not the right thing to do, and I tried to stop. Many times. But it just didn't work. I wondered during that time, "If I am really a Christian, and I really want to change, then why isn't God helping me to be different? What good is Christianity if I am stuck in this rut and feel demoralized and powerless?". To make a long discussion short, we talked about how grace brings you to a place of humility. You have to realize how truly powerless you are against sin to truly appreciate God's gift of grace. If I hadn't gone through those years of suffering (and they were years with much suffering), then I would not have 1) realized my own powerlessness against this sin, 2) understood so much how others suffer with the same sin, and 3) seen how much I have to continue to rely on God's grace to keep the new habits I've developed.

As Sam (our pastor) put it, grace is a gift that you cannot control. So, it makes me very nervous. I mean, what if tomorrow I had no more grace in this area, and I went back to my old patterns? I don't know the answer to that question, but I DO know that I desperately need to trust God and depend on him for the power to continue. I need to trust that he knows what is truly good, and that he loves me beyond measure. I can choose to fear the unknown, and be nervous because I cannot control it in my human smallness, or I can have faith.

This doesn't mean I don't have to continue to work at things. As Jerry Bridges writes (in an EXCELLENT article called Gospel-Driven Sanctification, "Sanctification involves hard work and dependence on Christ; what I call dependent effort. And it will always mean we are dissatisfied with our performance. For a growing Christian, desire will always outstrip performance, or at least, perceived performance. What is it then that will keep us going in the face of this tension between desire and performance? The answer is the gospel. It is the assurance in the gospel that we have indeed died to the guilt of sin and that there is no condemnation for us in Christ Jesus that will motivate us and keep us going even in the face of this tension."

The children are beginning to clamor for my attention, but a few more words. I will work towards eradicating the sin of gluttony in my life. But I need to remember that it is a dependent effort. I will probably never fully understand why God allowed me to struggle with it for so long. (Actually, I will probably continue to struggle with it on some level for the rest of my life!). And when I do stumble and fall, I have the comfort that there is no condemnation for me - so, with God's help, I can get up, dust myself off, and keep going, secure in the knowledge of his love. That is what was missing during the struggle - I somehow managed to forget the good news that my sin has been taken care of in Christ. I heaped guilt on myself, rather than continuing in the struggle in the light of my acceptance in Christ.

Now, I continue in the struggle, but am reminded that I have such a tangible hope! If God was able to heal the mess that led to me being 100 lb overweight, he can heal the other messes in my life, and in yours too. Nothing is impossible with God.

100 pounds!

Today I weighed in at 149.8, exactly 100 lb below my starting weight on February 5, 2005. It has been 2 years since I started my journey, so this was a fitting place to end up.

My goal weight is 155, so I'm not trying to lose more weight, and if I weigh a few lbs more than I do now, it's OK. But I like the weight I am at right now, and if I stay here, that's OK too.

It's just SO exciting to be 100 pounds lighter than I was!!! It's not easy to maintain, but I have done it for almost 4 months now, and I'm confident that I can keep going, one day at a time, with God's help.

First week of my new schedule

I'm so happy to have today off! So far, it's going well to work only Tuesday & Friday, but I'll have to do this for a month or two to really know. It's only the first week, but I'm really enjoying not having to go in to work today. It's snowing gently and I feel snug and warm in my house with my kids. I'm holding Michelle as I type, and Calvin is playing with his toy telephone. Michelle is now grabbing my fingers so I gotta run!

Sick yet again

How many times can we get sick this fall/winter? A LOT is the answer. I now have another awful cold. This one is dominated by fatigue and sore throat, with some lovely sinus/nasal congestion thrown in for good measure.

I guess having 2 kids age 2 and under means more bugs coming our way. This should not surprise me, but I have to say that it does seem like we've gotten more than our fair share these past 3 months or so, having 3 colds and 2 stomach flus.

I need to rest.

wow...

Scary. I found another great "before" picture. I can't believe I was this big! What a great reminder of why I want to stay on track and keep it off.

hee hee hee!

Calvin thought it would be fun to sit in Michelle's Bumbo chair. The fact that he was only wearing his diaper and the bead necklace made this even more amusing :). Someday this will be a great blackmail picture; meanwhile, it's just SO cute!

we'll give it a shot

I'm going to give work a try for 2 months on the new schedule and see how it goes. Since I really like my job, it's worth a shot. We'll see if the extra day at home creates enough margin. I think it could, but I'm not sure if it will, so I will just try it and see. Thanks for your input :).

indecision stinks

So, my last post about tough decisions? Throw it in the trash can. Not all of it, because I still believe every word I wrote. The problem is this - the boss values me so much that he has made an offer wherein I work 2 days instead of 2.5 for a little bit more money. Hmmmm. Couple that with a wonderful week at work where I realize just how much I really do love what I do (not just the identity that it gives me, which I love too - that is a problem, but it's a separate problem), and it makes it VERY hard to know what is right.

I think the extra half a day could be very significant. I mean, by the time I leave my house (12:45 pm) on Thursday, drive to the day care, then drive to work, work, pick up kids, and come home, it's 5 1/2 hours, easy. I'm usually not home until 6:15 pm. If I had all of that time at home, would that be the extra margin that I need? I'm not sure. It might be. The only way to find out is to try it. What do I have to lose by trying it for a little while? It might not work, but if it did...

So I'm thinking of trying it. Comments welcome.

tough decisions

It was a tough decision to go back to work, and I thought it was the right one. However, after 3 months, I have decided it was the wrong one. I feel like I'm missing out on things. I miss my kids. I need more MARGIN in my life. I am going to miss my work, but not as much as I was missing my kids.

One thing that really helped me decide was the sermon Jonathan gave on Sunday. He got me thinking about identity. I tend to find my identity in my work, and I love to be able to say "I'm a molecular biologist". I mean, how cool is that? "I'm a stay-at-home-mommy to 2 active children" just doesn't have the same ring. However, when the rubber meets the road, that just really doesn't matter. I get too hung up on what others think. Though it's been much better with increased age and wisdom (?), I still find myself doing it sometimes. I also enjoy doing something outside the home that I am good at and get positive feedback from. Work did have its tangible rewards that way. But y'know what? I am not giving up work forever, and it will still be there when I want to go back to it. Meanwhile, I get to enjoy the wonderful rewards of watching Michelle grow and take her first steps and watching Calvin expand his vocabulary and thought processes every day.

Last week was important to deciding as well. Having the week off w/the kids & my family was great, even if I was sick. I realized that even though I enjoy my work, I need the space and the margin that being at home more creates.

So, I'm working through January 30th, and that will be it for a while. That's the plan anyway.

I'm baaaaack!

Hope you all haven't stopped reading my blog. I just got overly busy with Christmas. It was an insane month, but I prefer not to dwell on that. Let's just say that things are going to be better now.

Put lots of new pics on our web site, if you're interested. The family was here for Christmas (my parents, my brother, and his wife) and we had a blast when we weren't in bed with fevers or worshipping the porcelain god. Yup, we were all pretty darn sick. But we did have a good time anyway. Managed to hit the Red Iguana and Bangkok Classic Thai while everyone was here, which was great. I also made a fabulous turkey dinner complete with German sweet chocolate pie and all-American peppermint stick torte for dessert.

Making dessert is my favorite type of cooking, I think. I got a GREAT new cookbook called The Best Light Recipe for Christmas, and I'm going to make the NY Cheesecake for the Epiphany party at New Song. The cookbook is fabulous - I tried the lasagna recipe tonight, and it tastes AMAZING and was only 7 points per good-sized serving.

This is pretty rambling, but it's all I have time for. Got to go - motherhood calls!

LIFETIME!

Here's Janece (my WW leader) leading a cheer for me when I received my LIFETIME WW membership on Saturday the 25th!!!

I'm 5 months old (November 23rd) and SO CUTE!

Stuff

Been awhile since I posted... so here's some stuff.

Thanksgiving was great. I ran in the Cold Turkey race, placing 7th out of 42 in my age group! It was a 6K race, and I completed it in 33:32 official time, which is about a 9 minute mile. Not bad! I did tweak my knee just a bit - have a slightly strained MCL on my left leg. I am still able to walk just fine, thankfully, so I'm going to lay off the running for a month or so until it heals up completely. Honestly, I prefer racewalking anyway, so it's not a big deal.

After the race I made dinner (except the turkey, which Loren smoked as he does every year), and the 4 of us enjoyed a wonderful meal together. The kids were pretty well behaved, and Calvin really liked the stuffing and the cranberry relish. Of course, Michelle did not get to try any turkey this year.

Since then, we've had a relaxing weekend. I painted the wood post on our porch, touched up the rust spots on the car, and helped Loren put up the exterior Christmas lights. Calvin enjoyed running around outside while we put up the lights. We put icicle lights on the fence and on the front eaves, and a net light and rope lights on some other fencing. The juniper trees got regular small white lights. All that remains is to re-do the lights on my "Jesus is Lord" sign that I usually put in the window. The squirrel that lives in our garage decided that the lights tasted yummy, and that it was a good place to store his nut stash, so I'm going to have to put new lights in the sign. Grrrrrr!

Today I made turkey soup (yum!) and we put up the Christmas tree and put the ornaments on it. All I have left to do decorating-wise is to put up the remaining indoor decor, which shouldn't take too long. Then I just have to finish my shopping, mail gifts, and write and mail the Christmas letters. Seems like a daunting task right now. I suppose one small step at a time will get it done, though.

Awesome gadget

Whether you are a walker or a runner, the Nike + iPod sport kit is a must have. I was asking for a $350 GPS gizmo for Christmas so that I could monitor my walking/running pace in real time, not realizing that I could do the SAME THING with the $29 Nike + iPod sport kit. Well, you DO have to have an iPod nano to use it with first... but I just happen to have a nano, so that was not a problem. Anyway, I just tested the thing, and it is truly amazing. It will tell you at any point in time how long you have been working out, how fast you are going, and how many calories you've burned. It saves your workouts and synchs them to the computer, and you can set goals for yourself, etc. on the Nike website. Haven't tried that yet, but I will. Tomorrow I am going to run intervals on the East High track (was planning to do this anyhow, for a race I'm training for), and so I'll calibrate the thing for extra accuracy (though it already seems pretty darn accurate w/o calibration, based on running and walking up & down the street).

One warning - the box says you have to have special Nike shoes to put the sensor in. Not so. There are plenty of websites where people have come up with ingenious ways of using the sensor w/o the shoes. I just bought a brand new pair of Addidas running shoes at the Salt Lake Running Company, and there was no way I was going to plunk down another $100 for special Nike shoes. So I tried this method with the sensor and it works great.

Goal party

This is me after the goal party last night. The best thing about the night was looking good in the little black dress.

Before I say anything else, I want to thank Sarah & Bryan for hosting, and I want to thank the people who attended: my husband and children, the Wheatley family, Nancy, Pat, Shannon, Lisa, and Jay and Susan (who got lost and didn't make it but tried!). I hope I didn't just forget someone... if I did, my deepest apologies - I'm a little tired! I very much enjoyed the support of these dear friends and we had a great time talking, eating, looking at the before and after photo display, and playing games. The Wheatleys brought a really great card with a little black dress on it (and they didn't know I was going to wear that!!!). Shannon & Lisa brought me a fabulous bag of stuff for a relaxing bath/spa day, and a great card with ummmm, let's just say, an outfit I never could have worn before (but I can now!). It meant a LOT to me that all of these special people came and celebrated this milestone in my life.

However, the party was a big disappointment. The attendance was really low. This is one of the most important things I have ever done in my life, and when I celebrated it and invited everyone I know in Utah, less than 15 people came. The weather wasn't great, which I'm sure didn't help. The short notice of the event due to my vacation insanity was probably the biggest reason people didn't come. I only told people about the party 9 days beforehand, though I did send an e-mail AND hand out flyers to people. I have learned my lesson there, I suppose.

The bottom line is that very few people came, and I feel hurt. Maybe I shouldn't feel hurt, but I do. I know people are busy, and perhaps that is just the reality of 21st century life. Perhaps I have set my expectations too high. In any case, I feel that I have to ask myself some hard questions now. Am I the kind of person that people want to be around? Are there things about me that are abrasive? Am I a little bit too weird? Does any of that really matter? I mean, whose opinion of me really counts? Do I care too much about what others think?

These are hard questions. I need to make time to think about them. I often fall into the trap of expecting too much from people and being disappointed, and I think that is what happened here. Ultimately, I need to take comfort in the love of the friends who DID come and in the fact that my husband loves me and God loves me even if I am the kind of person that others find difficult to love. Right now, though, even if I should let it roll off of my back and forget about it, I can't. It just hurts.

The lion will lie down with the lamb...

Perfect weather for the reception

Alex and Erica's wedding

Vacation stuff part 2

The wedding was marvelous. Alex looked SO happy, and I am so thrilled that he has met such a wonderful woman, Erica. I couldn't ask for more for my brother.

Photos of the wedding
Photos of the rehearsal

I got to play the piano for the wedding, and it went so well. The wedding coordinator was dynamite, and I always knew exactly what was going on. That NEVER happens in a wedding, so I was very pleased.

We enjoyed a great visit with Marge & Drake and their kids in Half Moon Bay (phtoos here), and then we drove to Davis for a brief visit with my former piano teacher, MarLyn, and my old boss John Payne(photos here).

Halloween was a lot of fun (photos here)- we visited Dyan and her kids, Paul & Suzanne and their kids (they really do the day up right!) and finally ended up at Grandma Mary's house in Lakeport, where we enjoyed trick or treating.

We visited Tania & Enoch and their kids in Palo Alto before flying home.

The flight home was a disaster. I arrived at the San Jose airport, 2 kids in tow, at 11:30 am for my 1:30 pm flight, only to be told that the flight no longer existed. Hello?!?!?!? Why did nobody from Delta call me and tell me?!?!?!? They said the best they could do was get me out on a 6 pm flight. I told them they were nuts if they thought I was going to spend the whole day in the airport with 2 little kids. They finally got me on a 3 pm flight out of SFO, but I had to take a taxi there, which meant strapping the car seats back into the car, getting help with the enormous amount of luggage, and then running out of cash to tip everyone because I had twice the tips I counted on. To be fair, the airline did pay for the taxi, but all the same, it was NOT fun. I still had to wait almost 2 hr for the flight out of SFO once we got there, and Calvin was past his naptime and was totally miserable.

Anyway, we did eventually get home, and the rest of the vacation was great, so it was worth it. However, I'm not too keen on flying w/2 little kids in the near future.

Vacation stuff part 1

Carol & Tammy after the race

Enjoyed the vacation immensely... the day after the wedding, October 29th, I ran a 5K with my aunt, Carol North, who is in excellent shape and a great runner (I've always admired her running ability). We ran and finished together, and it was great. I had never ever RUN 5K before in my life, so it was very exciting. I actually finished in 11th place out of 68 in my age group. Carol got SECOND PLACE in her age group!!!

FEMALE AGE GROUP: 30 - 39
1 59 Mihaela Plummer 37 Castro Valley CA 23:14
2 94 Jesualda Sousa 34 Monterey CA 25:34
3 111 Bonnie Rebella 39 Chicago IL 26:14
4 119 Amy Wylie 31 Seaside CA 26:25
5 124 Jennifer Dreyer 32 Monterey CA 26:42
6 128 Jodi Rabideau 30 Marina CA 26:52
7 136 Sally Osborne 31 Monterey CA 27:09
8 145 Narayanan Meiyyappa 30 Fremont CA 27:27
9 153 michelle staub 31 monterey CA 27:36
10 161 Jacqueline Perkins 34 Monterey CA 28:02
11 170 Tammy Stevenson 36 Salt Lake City UT 28:07

FEMALE AGE GROUP: 50 - 59
1 88 Sandy Laurence 50 Woodinville WA 25:13
2 171 Carol North 52 Dallas TX 28:08